THE BOOTY CALL THAT WENT BAD

I've never forgotten people in my life that have helped me along the way and I intend to pay all of them back in some shape or form. But I also dont forget the bad people. This chick in particular has it coming to her. She came to my apartment. Her first trip. The trip was to be a cordial one, nothing sexual or overly romantic about it. She sits on my couch and we get through about 10-minutes of an episode of The Cosby Show when I hear this bubbling sound. It was her stomach. She giggles about it and then gets up and pardons herself to the bathroom. Now I'm thinking shes in there putting on lipstick or make-up. After 15-minutes pass, I quit thinking this. I hear the toilet flush which confirms my suspicions. She returns to the couch.

She tries to start some topical chit-chat about Hip Hop. I was listening but all I could think to myself was...

"Did she just take a shit in my house?"

As The Cosby Show is going off I hear the internal stomach fart sound again. She gets up and again goes to my bathroom. Toilet Flush and she returns. What amazed me was how natural she was about it. As if she'd been in my house for years and was comfortable doing this. Were watching TV at this point but all I could think was...

"Did she just take TWO Shits in my house?"

She comes out this time and she goes. "I have a stomach virus, I thought I was over it".. Obviously she wasn't.

Let me explain it like this ladies, a man's toilet is his throne. You don't disrespect a man's throne, especially if you're not his queen. You should'nt be shitting at a man's house until after the two of you have been dating at least 11 years or have had sex a minimum of 183 times or which ever comes first!!!!

Don't shit in a man's house, dont use any of his cups or coffee mugs dedicated to his favorite sports teams and don't borrow his DVDs if you don't plan on dating him!!!!

If there's a slight chance that you might be spewing pudding shit in 10-minute intervals then don't come over!!! All she had to say was, "Gee Patrick I'd love to come over, but um, my ass is spewing Jell-O Pudding every 7-9 minutes. I think Im going to sit here on the toilet and play solitaire on my cell phone. "

After the 2nd trip to the toilet I discover that "Ms Jane J. McPudding Shit" had done the unthinkable, she left the door open. The Glade Plug-in never had a chance. As the shit aromas started to drift into the living room I saw the Glade plug-in unplug itself from the wall, give me the middle finger and run upstairs.

She gets up AGAIN to what I think is to close the bathroom door out of respect. No..She goes back in and TAKES A THIRD SHIT!!. Three shits in under 45-mintues.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME? YOU ARE SHITTING IN MY HOUSE! SHE'S TAKING A THIRD SHIT IN MY HOUSE !

Well the story gets better. Just when I thought it could get no worse she comes out and says ,"Wheres your toilet plunger?" Excuse me?

YOU TOOK A SHIT IN MY HOUSE !!!! YOU TOOK TWO SHITS IN MY HOUSE !!!! YOU TOOK THREE SHITS IN MY HOUSE !!! AND DIDNT FLUSH !!!!

Shit and Flush. It's a basic principle. You're taught that at an early age. Shit a little, flush. Shit a little more, flush. Wipe, flush, repeat until you feel clean. She could'nt even do that. And on top of that YOU HAVE DIARRHEA, Diarrhea turds dont stop up toilets. This means you blatantly didnt look at the amount of toilet tissue you were using.

Considering she can't take a shit properly I don't expect her to clean it up properly. So I'm in there plunging the toilet myself while she sits on the couch. After sitting there for 2-minutes feeling guilty, She comes in the bathroom and offers a dry Is there anything I can do to help? YES, THERE ACTUALLY IS SOMETHING YOU CAN DO TO HELP

YOU CAN GET THE FUCK OUT !!! YOU JUST TOOK THREE SHITS IN MY HOUSE!!

I was thinking that to myself, I didn't say that to her. But I did suggest that she go home and be alone while her stomach has a battle of epic proportions.

We didn't talk too much after that night. The occasional phone call every 3-5 weeks or so to be sure the other one is alive and that was fine with me.

SHE HAS IT COMING TO HER!!!