Teach Them Well and Let Them Lead the Way - Use What you Got, to Get What you Want

So it's no secret that RiPPa loves the kids. Yes, I'm currently the father of three beautiful young ladies with another one due in January. I'm not gonna sit here and suggest that I'm the best parent in the world because I'm sure that there are a lot of things I could have done differently over the years. But hey, with a new baby on the way, please believe that I plan to do better with this one than I've done with each successive child in my care over the years. Times have changed, and adapt I must. That's why I'm going to teach this to my now 2yr old, and my newborn next year:


Yep, when I first saw the above video on Facebook over the weekend (one of my contacts is connected to the mother of this child), I was jealous of the lady who uploaded it. She was so proud that her baby won $20.00 earlier that day in a dance contest that she decided to have an after party/celebration at her house in her kitchen. Yes, like all proud parents, she wanted the world to see just what her baby could do. Nothing makes a parent more proud than the accomplishments of their kids, and I was jealous that it wasn’t one of mine.

“Shake that ass, do the Stanky Leg, and you'll never starve baby girl,” is going to be the message I teach my two youngest girls. Oh trust me; they're not going to be eventual failures like their two older sisters. Like I said, I failed with them; I can only wonder what they'll be able to do to be self sufficient when they get out of high school in the next two years. Had I done my job as a parent, at 16 and 15yrs old as they are today, they would be able to do this:


Boy do I wish my two oldest kids had such confidence in themselves.

When you’re able to dance and motivate erections by random men…

The world is definitely your oyster, no?

Obviously the parents of these children, unlike me, realized just how important confidence and making the booty pop is to ones survival. How can one expect their children to leave the nest and go out into the world without the necessary confidence to do something strange for a little piece of change? Sure you may deem such artistic expression inappropriate for girls at that age; but hey, you gotta start somewhere, right? Yep, women bitch a lot about different issues – they even form womanist groups and stuff. But I’m willing to bet that life would be different for them had they all started out dancing on a kitchen table and learned how to Twerk it instead of blaming men for their troubles.


P.S. If you fail to see the sarcasm in this post you should drink a warm cup of bleach.

DID YOU KNOW: 17% of heterosexual males use vibrators on themselves? Ladies: Do you know where your vibrator has been?

No seriously, did you even know that? I didn't but I heard it on the radio this morning as the result of a recent study conducted at Indiana University. I thought it was funny hearing the results of this "booty-breaking" study on The Tom Joyner Morning Show of all places. I'm just saying, you know how the Black community is sensitive about anything perceived to be homosexual. Oh c'mon, don't front; I'm sure when you read the title to this post you had images of some gay dude playing hide the salami with himself just like I did.

I'm sorry, but that's just the culture within which we live. Let's be honest here, we men in this perpetual patriarchal society all have that secret pornographic fantasy to come home from a hard days work, only to walk in on a woman pleasuring herself. Oh don't tell me I'm the only one who has thoughts like that?!! But anyway, I'd like to think that this is not a secret fantasy for women. I could be wrong, but I doubt a woman would be comfortable or dare I say turned on by walking in on her man pleasuring himself with a vibrator. Talk about an awkward moment, right?

But hey, 17% is a relatively low number, but still significant when you think of it. I mean, if you're a woman my age (I'm 39yrs old) you've probably had sexual encounters with about at least 50 different guys. Oh yeah, and don't sit there trying to fool me when you respond to this insisting that having sex with 50 different guys at that age is extreme. Ok, so maybe 20 different guys. But still, that would mean that at least 3 of them pleasure themselves with vibrators. And that's not counting the one bi-sexual dude who you were always suspicious of.

Can you now imagine going back through the archives and trying to figure out which of the guys you slept with who may have done something like this? Scary isn't it? Even scarier is the thought that he may have used your vibrator a time or two. Actually, what it does is put a whole new perspective on masculine perceptions. No for real it does. From here on out you're going to look at men differently. Am I wrong ladies? But hey, it's been said that knowing is half the battle. That said, you women need to figure out a way to squeeze the "do you use vibrators on yourself," question in speed dating sessions or at the nightclub on weekends after a guy buys you drinks.

QUESTION: How would you feel walking in on your man using a vibrator on himself?

Now That We Found Love What Are We Gonna Do With It?

My wife told me the other day that I'm not allowed to pee on her. Not that I ever had the urge, desire, or even the balls to ever ask her if I could; no, never that. She said this after reading a something in one of those women magazines on fantasies or something. It was only then that I truly realized that I was married. Not that I never knew or anything. It’s just that I can’t remember having that conversation while dating someone, whether I was serious about them or not. I mean, you just don’t say, “hey I’d like to pee on you from time to time when we have sex because that’s my thing,” no, you just don’t do that. I don’t know about you, but I think you wait until you seal the deal before bringing that up.

Now my wife and I, you see, when we were dating, before we were married, she and I had this "no holds barred" clause when it comes to sex and our sexual relationship. We were pretty open and honest with each other as to our sexual likes and dislikes, but somehow the peeing thing never came up. Nope, that discussion has not come up until now. I suppose that this is reserved for married people. However, if I’m wrong, feel free to let me know in your commentary. Now this doesn't mean that my wife isn’t the down for whatever type, nor am I.

You see, our special clause in our relationship basically states that neither one of us should feel ashamed or afraid to ask the other about fulfilling a fantasy. This type of thing is important in my book. Having been married before now for 10yrs, there's only so much diving off the headboard face first into the coochie one can do to add that excitement. But even in knowing my limitations, I have yet to do something purely crazy. Am I going to tell you folks some of the shit we've done? Hell no fucker, that's none of your business. That's between me, my wife, and the video camera. What the hell do I look like telling you people my sexual activities and shit like that?

[Stares around nervously]

As I looked at the pic above, I wondered to myself, "Why is this dude so happy?" I mean, is he happy because the woman with him is fine as hell? Which is a plus for him because he looks like Lionel Richie's daddy with Alexander O'Neal sweaty forehead? Surely any man who looks like dude in the pic would be happy to be with a woman that fine, right? So maybe that's why he's cheesing the way he is in the pic. But then I realized...this fool has this woman on a damn leash! No joke, when I first saw this pic I totally missed that. I mean, with a woman that fine, I guess it’s easy to see how him in that ugly suit could be a little insecure. I guess that would explain the need to keep her close. Out in public? On the end of a leash?

I mean I know some people do that type of thing in the privacy of their own home. Yes, I know this. It's something I doubt will ever give me erections, but I know for some, it's their thing. But why in the hell would one do this in public? Could it be that this is the reason dude is smiling like he is? Could it be that it’s been his longtime fantasy to have a woman on a leash or chain as he walked into the club in pimp-like attire? Does this make him "the man" among his friends? Beyond all of that, what or where the fuck do you have to be mentally to allow a man to put a leash on you and strut you around in public like you're at a dog show? I know this may be a fantasy for some, but let’s be real: would you really act out on some shit like this?

Now, for all I know, the whole leash thing may be cool with my wife. That said, I don't think she would ever let me walk out in public with her hanging on a leash in tow. She may even find this empowering sexually, but even still, I seriously doubt whether she would love to walk around with my fat ass on a leash in public. That type of thing doesn't look good at a Walmart. It being a family type atmosphere, having to explain to the kids in the environment would be awkward.

So, now I know that I cannot pee on my wife I'm cool. I mean, being married and fully committed to my wife, I don’t think any other further acts of submission is needed to prove my undying love. However, I can’t help but to think, or wonder if women would be as anxious to be married to their Knight in shining armor, if the traditional ring were replaced with a leash and chain. Now that I think of it, maybe if that were the case, more men would be willing to be married, and there’d be less single baby mommas running around these days. Yup, screw the ring, Beyonce should have made a song convincing women to wear chains instead.