Chris Brown: Epic Fail or Big Middle Finger?

By Seattle Slim

I was over at Crunk and Disorderly and noticed that it was a teaser/trailer for some abomination called 12 Strands featuring Chris Brown. At first, I wasn't going to click on it. Then again, I decided that Chris Brown seems to invite fuckery. So I clicked and was assaulted by this:


12 Strands (Matrix) Teaser from Gloob Marketing on Vimeo.

*Blinks*

Now, my first question is, why would someone in his position--having been convicted of domestic violence and still generally seen as a pariah despite his coalition of the naive and gullible--be engaged in various acts of physical violence in a trailer?

I realize that Chris Brown stans will see nothing wrong with this, but then again, what afflicts them is out of my psychology textbook, so we might as well leave their opinions to science. For those of us who are not bamboozled easily, this video comes as no surprise. It, for those of us who weren't fooled by some tears, whining, a Messiah complex and a silly bow tie, gives credence to our warnings and our understanding of this grown ass man who has yet to show the masses some semblance of growth.

In this trailer, Chris Brown can be seen engaging in his usual "I am so troubled and persecuted" dramatics, but he goes on to do some serious fight scenes, complete with hooks to the freaking dome! Rihanna game proper, eh, Chris? Then, he engages in a lusty kiss with some model, while another model watches. He sure does respect the ladies!

A little misogyny, a whole lot of violence and some inner turmoil. Sounds like he grew up. We should TOTALLY give him a chance, because he's young and he's changed, right?

This would be like a convicted drug dealer or addict putting out their own bootleg version of Scarface. Is this something that someone who is on a quest for self-improvement after a brutal crime would do? The fact that Mr. Brown sees fit to engage in this foolish and vain trailer at this juncture in his "career" shows that he does not have the ingredients or the brain power necessary to succeed.

At the end of the day, I thought the kid was a mediocre singer at best, and he was unattractive to me. I was never wowed by the kid, so I've no special reason to see his career ruined. I never supported it in the first place. And as for me personally forgiving him, that would mean that I would have to give a damn about the guy on a personal level. However, from the consumer aspect, Chris Brown has just shown us with this little video that he is incapable and unworthy of being a celebrity that is celebrated and showered with accolades.  To hell with anyone else, I am talking about Chris.

Either he is plain stupid, his PR is out to sabotage him or he just doesn't give a damn.  Of course his stans will enable him long enough for him to have a little money to live comfortably, but he can kiss world domination  and a global empire goodbye.  While that cat was sleeping, Justin Bieber came up, and took all his work.  And honestly, he could've stood some semblance of a chance, but engaging in behavior that would be conducive to putting out tripe on video, is exactly why Chris Brown won't ever be what he once was. 

We all know the name of the game in the industry.  Don Imus and Dog the Bounty Hunter are good examples of this.  And those are just the white guys.  There have been plenty of embattled black artists who did some public penitence, T.I. comes to mind with his MTV specials, who've gone on to keep the money flowing and keep it moving.  Hell, Kanye will still make money after assaulting white people's favorite white girl, Taylor Swift, verbally last year.  That, to white folks, was worse than anything Chris could've done to Rihanna.  You know, Taylor was a sugary, sweet blonde haired, blue eyed country singer.  They would've lynched 'Ye if they could've... Fuck a Rihanna.  Penitence and some time away does a career good in this industry.  It's not like the American masses are that much smarter than Chris Brown's most rabid fans. 

I want him to join Mel Gibson (and a couple of other knuckleheads that are too many to name) on a barge to some tiny, uninhabited island in the South Pacific and stay there bashing each other into the sand...

Mel: "Chris, if you get raped by a pack of n****rs, it will be your fault!"


Chris: *punch* *kick* *slap*

I see a match made in heaven. Roman Polanski can film the entire thing, and it will be all good.

Why you should care about Slim Thug's assault on Black Women

I haven't been on Twitter much lately because I'm tired from the joy that is my third pregnancy, but I logged on to see that Fresh (@Freshalina) from Crunk and Disorderly posted an excerpt of an opinion piece failed rapper Slim Thug (pictured above on the left) did for Vibe.com.

He's a moron of epic proportions, but I was able to syphon out what he was trying to say in the beginning. I knew, however, that the "Shit-on-Black-Women" parade would begin posthaste. He did not disappoint. Do the stupid ever?

T-Pain endorses Sean Hannity and Conservatives in 2010? Can T-Pain even spell Conservative??

Just when you thought T-Pain couldn't reach new heights of niggerdom from the days of his "big ass chain", and that crappy mosquito in your ear sounding music. In steps Sean Hannity into his life to motivate his most coontastic behavior to date:



Look, I wasn't gonna even blog this shit all due to the fact that both of these guys make my ass itch. But then my man Jay Smooth, of Ill Doctrine fame, dropped his two cents and said what I wanted to say a lot nicer than I would. You can check out what Jay has to say in the following video.

I have only one thing to add, and here it is: Is it me, or does the unusual pairing of T-Pain and Sean Hannity in that video look like one of those ventriloquist dummy acts? No seriously, didn't it look like Hannity had his hands up T-Pains ass the whole time? I dunno, but maybe that's how all that auto-tune crap got started? Sorry, I didn't mean any disrespect to the late Roger Troutman or any of his fans, but it's just a thought...

Top 5 Reasons Why The Sex Was Not "Spectacular", Kiely!

A while back I blogged about this joint here in January.

Looks like Kiely Williams decided to, regretfully and embarrasingly, film and release the video above.

It's cheap, her dancing is basic, the main guy leaves much to be desired, and it's a mess.

Now, here are the top 5 reasons why the sex could not have POSSIBLY been "spectacular."

1) B*tch, your ass was knocked out. That usually classifies it as date rape in MOST civilized countries. How can you enjoy something, when you're blown to high hell?

2) He probably skipped the foreplay, and opted instead to do some unsanitary things to you while you were knocked out. A shower with bleach would most likely not do the trick.

3) You will most likely come to the conclusion that you may have been transmitted an STI/STD, and will therefore pray like hell that it's not HIV, and just Chlamydia. Yay! #microwinning

4) Unless you were smart enough to be on birth control--which based on the lyrical content you were not--you will need to hit that Plan B pill IMMEDIATELY. Or prepare yourself for an appearance on Maury.

5) How do you know his people didn't hit while you were conked out? That would then mean an even MORE humiliating appearance on Maury and lots of research and guesswork as you try to figure out if little Ray-Ray's eyebrows are those of Man number one, two, three or seven. Just saying...

I would love to hear you guys' reasons why the sex was NOT and COULD NOT have been "Spectacular."

Lil Wayne's yuckmouth could be the future currency of South Carolina

So obviously recently I thought it was ridiculous that Lil Wayne's jail sentence was delayed because he had to get his teeth fixed. Yeah, I couldn't believe a judge took that into consideration and gave this fool an extension so he can run around and impregnate an entire state as he is known to do to go to the dentist before serving a 1yr prison sentence. But then I read the following story and figured it made sense since obviously "Them boys from the south got them golds in they mouth," as notable poet and thespian Master P once eloquently stated:

So they're remaking We Are the World, without having a Michael Jackson séance? And Lil' Wayne & T-Pain on the track??

So I heard the other day that they were remaking the USA for Africa 80s classic We Are The World as a charitable effort to help victims of the earthquake in Haiti. Then I heard that Lil' Wayne was gonna be one of the artists featured in the song and singing Bob Dylan's part, no less. My first inclination was to run up on somebody and do a Rambo, just because. I mean did they invite him to be on the track because, well, he himself looks like a starved child from the Sudan? But then I heard they also invited Fonzworth Bently; you know, Pdiddy's jigging no talent havin' umbrella carrying Negro man-servant?

Surely inviting Lil' Wayne had nothing to do with him being a top selling popular Hip Hop artist, and had more to do with the sympathy factor, right?  Nothing like seeing a malnourished looking black guy with gold in his mouth covered in tattoos to bring white folks to tears. OK, yeah, so I don't particularly care for Lil' Wayne; you got me; guilty as charged. However, I heard what he said at the end of a recent press conference discussing the remake and, well, I'll let you check it out:

BREAKING NEWS: R. Kelly is functionally illiterate - R&B star reveals that he's unable to read, but still believes he can fly

The city of Chicago has been in the news cycle a lot lately. Not to be outdone, R&B singer/song writer/producer/ Grammy Award winner R. Kelly while speaking at the Midwest Music Festival in Chicago recently came out of a trapped closet and shared with the world that he is illiterate.

Yes, not only does R. Kelly believe he can fly; he’s also unable to read:

"When I was trying to make it out here, I already knew, and I was stubborn about it," he said. "I don't even read really and I'm not afraid to say that. My cousins and brothers used to tease me 'you can't even read right. How you think you're going to come up?' The only reason I graduated from grammar school is because I had a great jump shot. I went to high school and [my teacher] told me 'you will one of the greatest writers of all time.' I believed. You [have to] believe it. You can't believe [anything] if you're hating. You can't achieve [anything] if you're hating." [Source]

Wow, so that explains why he never checked the ID of the then 14yr old with whom he had sex on tape. Oops, my bad, that wasn’t him; I forgot. Dammit R. Kelly! It's bad enough that you're forty something years old wearing a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle mask and cornrows, and now you tell us you can't read?!! Now I don’t know if what was said above was the centerpiece of the message to the kids. But I’m kinda concerned that he chose to tell them to stop “hating” or else they won’t get anywhere in life. I’m surprised he never gave them the “stay in school,” or “learn to read,” message? Nope, none of that; just believe you can fly and you will only if you don’t hate on anybody. Oh yeah, and it also helps if you have a good jump shot; can't forget that one. It's a wonder he didn't tell them to learn how to rap.

Somebody keep this fool away from kids.

Literacy in America is an often overlooked issue, and it is a major problem. Somehow, as damaged as R. Kelly's image has become. As much as I hate to say it, nobody sees his deficiency as a tragedy; he peed on a 14yr old for crying out loud! From this day forth, nobody will ever remember that he's unable to read. Instead, all we'll remember is that he should be in prison for statutory rape. Which is really sad when you think about it, because there are a lot of kids in Chicago and across the country unable to read, and who never will be; children who will never be as financially successful as the Pied Piper of R&B.

QUESTION: Is illiteracy and incurable disease or educational malpractice?

BREAKING NEWS: Kanye West found hiding in Debo's pigeon coop

Well, he appeared on Jay Leno and, apologized last night? Did you see how the audience cheered for him before and after the interview? Clearly these were not the same people who were on twitter the last few days as Renee at Womanist Musing shared [Read it here]. Everybody is talking about him getting help as if he's hooked on crack or something. Sorry, but the only drug Kanye Kinte has been hooked on is fame and celebrity stardom. Though I can understand the loss of his mother weighing heavy on his heart and maybe, being used as an explanation for his behavior as explained over at The Sable Verity. His mother's death is no excuse for his actions the other night.

So no, I'm not buying the "take some time off" crap like he needs to go into some rehab clinic or run to Africa like Dave Chappelle. He needs to focus on his craft which is his music because at the end of the day, his music was the only positive thing that gave him the spotlight. He needs to go back to the lab and make beats again like he did when his jaws were wired shut after his near life ending car crash several years ago. The funny thing about all of this, is that Barack Obama called him a jackass. Why is this funny? Well, if he said Kanye "acted stupidly," would "certain people" have been in an uproar and think Obama's white side was racist for saying that? You know, kinda like how they played him out when his Black side called the recent actions of a certain police officer into question?

Call me harsh or an asshole, but I have no sympathy nor do I empathize with Kanye West. If you need somebody to empathize with or feel sorry for. Go with Caster Semenaya the 18yr old South African runner who as one idiot put it in a recent post: "she looks fucked up." Yeah, that "fucked up" Black woman is now on suicide watch, now that the whole world knows that she's a hermaphrodite. All due in large part to the media and the dummies who who never saw the underlying tones of racism as they put her out there to be a spectacle and less than human.

Kanye West is for the children; just like WuTang!: Another awkward Negro moment in television history

Mommy, there's a Black man on TV about to steal an MTV Award from this nice White lady. Oh, it's Kanye West. I thought it was Suge Knight. You know how all those Blck guys look and act alike. (whew!)

Yet another example of why "they never shoulda gave you n*ggas money," as my man Rick James would say. I don't know y'all, but I think Kanye West needs a hug, or a role model maybe? Hello, can we get Tony Dungy on deck here? You know he's probably the only Black man who can get young Black men to get their lives on track, right? Yeah, I think Jim Brown stopped that shit after Richard Pryor and the beat down he gave his wife and Tony is now the mentor of all Black men in America, but I digress.

Can any of y'all tell me what the hell is wrong with Kanye? OK, OK, OK, forget that question. It's not like we don't know his problem. I'm sayin, everybody knows that he's a midget with a Napoleon complex hence that whole calling himself the Louis Vuitton Don n' all. I swear this Negro is more of an attention whore than a latchkey kid. And you know what? Have you heard his music lately? His shit is garbage, and I'm willing to bet that even that is by design just to get attention. Somehow after watching the above clip I kinda wish the ghost of his mother would have walked on stage and slapped the Black off of his ass for coming out there like he doesn't have any home training.

OK, so he couldn't just fellate Jay Z backstage at the VMAs. No, that would be too homo; can't have that in hip hop. Instead, he had to jump on stage and protect the honor of Jay Z's wife and totally scare the shit out of that poor white girl Taylor Swift (you know she probably hasn't been that close to a Black man before). When her and the rest of them saw a Black man jump on stage they thought it was gonna be a robbery, right? If you watch the clip again I'm sure you can see someone tucking their chain and trying to hide it from "Debo". Poor chile', I feel so sorry for her and what she had to endure at the hands of one of our uncouth cousins. Now she has to have counseling and shit like that just to get through the rest of her life.

What he did was distasteful, immature and selfish. But what else is new when it comes to Kanye West. He lost me as a fan a very long time ago, and he almost had me back with the whole "George Bush don't like Black people," thing. But he fucked up when he continued to run his mouth at every opportunity. You know, like he was the dude everybody was checking for as to get an opinion. Make music dude and shut the fuck up and just walk like Jesus as you carry the cross that is your ego.

What gets me is that his Black ass would have never pulled some shit like that at the BET awards. Yeah Kanye, pull that shit on stage with Keisha Coles getting and award if you want to. Yeah, do that shit and see how fast her crackhead momma and sister beat his ass as Suge Knight stomped on his neck. Aww come on, you know how "we" do at "our" award shows.

So now America hates him more than ever. No seriously, you don't interrupt an up and coming female country singer and think you'll get away with it. He obviously hasn't been paying attention to the news to see all these angry white folks who are all pissed at Obama. As if it hasn't been hard enough for Barack Obama lately, Kanye had to go and do this...

Damn, this Negro is everywhere! What is he a republican now? Listen Joe Wilson...oops, I mean Kanye, here's some advice. Of course I know you're not gonna change, nor is that swollen ego gonna shrink anytime soon. But be that as it may, from one brother to another, just listen to me...

the next time you get on national TV to pull a stunt like that, people would appreciate you more as a man if you mentioned the kids. You see, mentioning the kids would help you out big time. When you mention the kids, people would be less apt to think that what you did was all about you, like it always is. Surely they didn't think it was about Beyonce and your love for her video.

Next time, do it like my man did it several years ago...

As Seen on TV Products Will Never be the Same Again - Billy Mays Found Dead at 50

I guess it's safe to say that the recession has caught up to the Angel of Death. That muthaf*cka has been putting in overtime like a mugg this week! First he killed John & Kate's marriage forcing John to move in with the midgets on TLC. Then he scooped up Ed McMahon, and went on to grab Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson in the same day. Then now I wake up to hear that Billy Mays the famous TV pitch-man for anything that costs $19.95 was found dead in his home at the age of 50. Damn, it sure has been a bad week for White folks. Of course Michael Jackson's death trumps the competition hands down, but I'd be remiss if I didn't touch on the death of Billy Mays. I mean after all, I did put the Shamwow Guy on blast a few months ago.

I don't know much about Billy Mays; who he was, where he came from etc. But I do know that he had a way of screaming to me in promoting any product he was peddling. Often it was his screaming that made me think of making a purchase once he got past the famous intro, "Hi, Billy Mays here!" I always thought he looked like a late 70's/early 80's porn star/WWF wrestler; I don't know, I think it was the beard or the "Ravishing Rick Rude" likeness; you almost felt like he would bust your ass if you didn't pay attention. Sometimes I must admit, his commercials were annoying, but you damn sure remember them as much as his famous thumbs up.

It was his voice in commercials that grabbed your attention. Personally, I think somebody should have given him a "Just Say No to Drugs" or a "Wrap it Up" HIV/AIDS commercial. Something in me tells me that more people would pay attention if they did. Maybe he can live on as a pixie or something. Just as you're about to do some dumbshit he'll yell in your ear and get you to straighten up your act or at least think about buying some Oxyclean. Hopefully his death is not some fake story like the death of Jeff Goldblum. Not that Billy was annoying to me as The Fly. I just don’t want him living on like Elvis or worse: him hounding me as a bill collector. Lets hope his death isn't shrouded with controversy the likes of Michael Jackson. If it is discovered that he overdosed on Oxyclean I don't think my life would be the same again.

Here's to you Billy Mays...

the only known human being to speak in ALLCAPS.

P.S. I wonder if he was louder than the women he had sexual relationships with?

Sorry Jamie Foxx, You Can't Blame Being Stupid on the Alcohol

A few days ago I was on Facebook, and I created one of those "Top 5" apps. You know, one of the many apps that people send you annoying the shit out of you to participate in? Usually somebody sends me a damn plant or some other shit like that and request that I send one back to them. Listen, if I cared enough to send you anything as a gift, it wouldn't be a damn Facebook plant. It would probably be a personal message which would instruct you to get a life. So I decided to do a "Top 5" app, but being me, I decided to do a "Top 5 people I hate". I plan to continue the hate trend, that way people will get the hint and leave me the hell alone on Facebook.

My first "Top 5" was called "The Top 5 Celebrities I Can't Stand". I won't get into the list here and explain my displeasure with my selections, but for the purpose of this blog, I'll just say that Jamie Foxx, and Blair Underwood made the cut. I only brought those two of the five up because all the damn women on my list kept asking me why or what reason I would have to hate those two. They didn't care that I hated Soulja Boy, Rush Limbaugh, or Kanye West; nope they didn't. My guess is, those three people were just not sexy enough hence the WTF is wrong with you RiPPa? Well, in spite of me being married, I've never had sexual fantasies of sleeping with another man, so no, sexuality or attraction never played a part in me picking these people, especially Jamie Fox, and Blair Underwood.

Jamie Foxx gets on my nerves, and I cannot stand the dude. C'mon, don't act like I'm the only one who has at least 5 people celebrities they hate; you hate, I hate, we all hate, so what's the big deal. As for Jamie, I just think he's all hype. With the exception of the movie "Ray" what has he done proving to be a great actor? Nope, I'm sorry, but "Miami Vice" was crap. Seewhumsayin and shit? Well RiPPa he's multi-talented; he sings, acts, and is a comedian. OK, so what. There are many people who are multi-talented celebrities, but we don't hear about them now do we?

You know why, because specialization is the key. Not for Jamie, his multi-talent or what we see as such, in my opinion, just feeds his addiction otherwise known as attention whorism. Well he's gettin his money RiPPa, so why you hatin? Will Smith is multi talented, but do we see him and DJ Jazzy Jeff still kickin it on tour? Hell no! Will Smith figured out that rap shit was NOT where the money was, and he has focused solely on acting, and perfecting his craft, which now has resulted in him being one of the highest paid actors in the world. Does he have an Oscar like Jamie? No he doesn't, but has Jamie has pimped his Oscar in hopes of becoming Will Smith? Yes he has, and obviously it hasn't worked, hence the reason he's all over the place.

So now Jamie came out in an interview and said something completely foolish about Miley Cyrus of Hannah Montana fame. If I'm not mistaken, jokingly he suggested that she "make a sex tape and grow up," do heroin, smoke crack and catch a sexually transmitted disease from a bicycle seat. Umm, Jamie, that was not funny. Nope, and I ain't laughin nigga. I mean, how would he like it if someone suggested that his beloved daughter whom he proudly took to the Oscars with him do a sex tape, and grow up already. He wouldn't like it one bit, but because he's Jamie Foxx - in his bigass I used to wear a Jheri Curl head - everybody loves me, he never gave any thought to what he said. Yup, and now he has since apologized ; which actually sounded more like a plug for his own radio show. Fuck you and your apology Jamie. If I were Miley Cyrus that's what I'd think, as her dad already does. But I sincerely doubt she's checking for his Black ass as are many of her fans, or White people in general.

I'm telling y'all, that Oscar has gone to his fuckin head. It's like he won that award and has lost his rabbit ass mind. There haven't been many Black people to have ever won an Oscar, and you'd think he would humble himself and take that into consideration and think before he speaks. Not too long ago he was on another radio station talking shit about fellow actor Terrence Howard. Forrest "Bumpy Neck" Whitaker won an Oscar, and we don't see him running around like that. He's not running around full of himself running off at the mouth. Instead, he probably continues to work on his craft which makes him one of the best Black actors of our era. But nawww, not Jamie Foxx, he wants to be all over the place promoting himself when he really and truly should not have to, were he a great talent. I guess when you still have images of the ugly Jheri Curl wearing Negro surfacing on the internet, self promotion may not be a bad idea. However, talking about Miley Cyrus the way he did doesn't help what so ever unless you're content to forever be known as Wanda from "In Living Color".

I just think it's funny how Black people can be up in arms over Don Imus and what he said on the radio but not Jamie Foxx. Double standard perhaps? Of course it is, and its sad that some people are blind to this and fail to hold one of our own accountable. Oh well, this is just another reason as to why I can't stand Jamie Foxx. As for Blair Underwood? I just hate him because unlike Jamie, he's a pretty boy who has been allowed to stick around as long as he has because of it. When is Yaphet Kotto gonna get his props and shine. Hell, we ain't seen that brother since he was in The Running Man. And you wanna know why? Because we have Jamie Foxx in the way. I say we boycott Jamie Foxx, send his ass back to Texas, and hope they do secede from the Union.

QUESTION:Who are the calebrities that you just cannot stand?