Brother X-Squared Returns: Speaks On Barack Obama, Herman Cain, & Has A Shocking Revalation

The We Are Respectable Negroes News Network (WARNNN) is proud to bring you the latest installment in our recurring series of interviews with Brother X-Squared, president of the North American Chapter of the Renewed Black Panther Party.

As long time followers of WARNNN already know, Brother X-Squared is a potent activist, black futurist, and visionary thinker. He is also a noted cultural critic in the greatest tradition of African American commentary and letters. It has been six months since we last spoke with Brother X-Squared. He has been incommunicado and apparently in hiding. Brother X-Squared has promised us an explosive and jaw dropping expose on the future of America. Brother X-Squared has teased that his appearance on WARNNN will be of particular import to Chauncey DeVega, Editor and Founder of We Are Respectable Negroes.

WARNNN: Brother X-Squared, it has been too long. Where have you been? What have you been up to? What is this information that you are going to share with me? Are you safe? Where were you hiding?

Brother X-Squared: Silence child! I see that my absence has allowed your mental musculature and integumentary system of melanin wisdom to atrophy like the little penis of that white sex freak Anthony Weiner from New York. Brother X-Squared is never in hiding! Can you hide from the sun? From its heat? From its rays? The sun and the moon are in a dance and it is only cosmic forces that keep me from irradiating you 24 hours a day! I have taught you so much since we met those years ago. Yet, in my absence it seems that you have taken 5 steps backwards for every 1 step forward! Try again. This time with patience and be deliberate in your speech.

WARNNN: My humble apologies. What have you been up to these last few months? Were they productive?

Brother X-Squared: A little better. Do cicadas come out at night and sing the blues for moon crickets when the slave ship is coming into port?

WARNNN: You lost me, Brother X-Squared...

Brother X-Squared: Even in your confusion and stupidity there is truth. You truly are one of the lost mentally captive negroes in this hellish land called Amerikkka. Once more you do not understand the Negro folk wisdom. Sad. Tragic. Even the evil White Man knows of my wisdom and is making a special computer that can translate metaphors from different languages so that the CIA can spy on people. They will never create a cipher that can beat Brother X-Squared...but that is a talk for another time.

Chauncey, you need to get a copy of Laurence Levine's book Black Culture and Black Consciousness so you can learn something about your own great heritage as a Nubian! The answer is yes! I have been productive! I have put plans into motion that are still bearing fruit, I am a perpetual self sustaining nuclear reactor that is powered by my melanin. I have foreseen the decline of America. It is here as we speak! The visions came to me while I led a special month long training retreat for my soldiers in the North American Chapter of the New Black Panther Party.

WARNNN: What did you discover?

The Mulatto Vibe: You Might Be A Mulatto, If...

-=[ Variations on a Theme of a Mulatto ]=-

I got the following from Claudine Chiawei O’Hearn’s book on biculturalism Half and half: Writers growing up biracial and bicultural. I strongly recommend the book for anyone interested bicultural/ biracial issues: Senna, D. (1998). The mulatto millennium. In C. C. O'Hearn (Ed.), Half and half: Writers growing up biracial and bicultural (pp. 12-27). New York: Random House.

Standard Mulatto: White mother, black father. Half nappy hair, skin that is described as “pasty yellow” in the winter, but turns a caramel tan in the summer. Germanic-Afro features. Often raised in isolation from others of its kind. Does not discover his or her “Black identity” until college. At this point, there is usually some physical change in hair or clothing, and often speech, so much so that the parents don’t recognize their child when he or she arrives home for Christmas vacation. (E.g., “Honey, there’s a black kid at the door.”)

African-American: The most common form of mulatto in North America, this breed is not often described as mixed, but is nevertheless a combination of African, European, and Native American. May come in any skin tone, and of any cultural background. Often believe themselves to be “pure” due to historical distance from the original mixture, which was most often achieved through rape.

Jewlatto: The second most prevalent form of mulatto in the North American continent, this breed is made in the commingling of Jews and Blacks who met while registering votes down South during Freedom Summer or at a CORE meeting. Jewlattos will often, though not necessarily always, have a white father and a black mother (as opposed to the more common case, a black father and a white mother). Will also be more likely to be raised in a diverse setting, around others of his or her own kind, such as New York City (Greenwich Village) or Northern California (Berkley). Have strong pride in their mixed background. Will often feel that their dual cultures are not so dual at all, considering the shared history of oppression. Jewlattos are most easily spotted amid the flora and fauna of Brown University. Famous Jewlattos: Lenny Kravitz and Lisa Bonet (and we can’t forget Zo, their love child).

BREAKING: U.S. Senate Approve Funds for "Slavery Reparations"

Negronia (NNN) -- In a move that will surely have African Americans finally indebted to the Democratic party after all these years. The U.S. Senate all but quietly passed legislation which would see $1.25 billion being funneled to black folks throughout the nation. With a Black president currently leading the free world, the measure was disguised as a long awaited settlement in a lawsuit addressing grievances of discrimination filed by black farmers. A strategic move so as to eliminate the perception of racial bias on the part of white America, given the president's race; a precarious position for America's first half-black president.

Much like the slow travel of news of emancipation centuries ago, many African Americans are oblivious to this development. Which could be a good thing for the economy's sake. With the unemployment rate currently around the 10% mark. The last thing we need for the few one thousand or so employed African American workers in America, is for them to quit their jobs upon the realization that there's no need to ever work again. But at the same time, given that consumer demand is down, this news can be seen as a huge economy boost.

Black leaders across the land are urging African Americans to proceed with extreme caution in light of this announcement. Clutching a bible while scratching off a freshly purchased lottery ticket, one prominent "black leader" who requested to remain anonymous for fear of being labelled a "hater", "sellout", and "slave catcher" had this to say to NNN (Negronia News Network):

"Just because the price of gold has shot up after this announcement, doesn't mean we should start pre-ordering them Cadillac Escalades just yet, fools! Sheeeeit, wait for the KFC stocks to go up first! That's how we gon' know we really gettin' our money... Wall Street don't lie!!!"

Convicted Murderer Uses Facebook from Prison

Because of Social Networking, I don't even talk to people in real life anymore. Being an actual live talking human being is so 2004. When people in real life try to speak to me, because of social networking, I assume they're poor, live under a bridge, and will work for food. No seriously, I really do assume that.

Yeah I know that may sound callous, but it is the reality of the worlds within which we live; yes, there are two Americas: one with access to social networking and one without. And in 2010, this is just pathetic, folks.

Think about it, chances are, the very reason you're reading this site right now is due in large part to a social network site. And that's the beauty of it; because of social networking, like me, you're now able to trust people, even if you've never met them, nor ever will. And to me, that makes the world a better place, no?

Personally, I think it's a crime against humanity that so many people aren't able to access social network sites outside of the occasional office computer block-out. Surely the toothless Appalachian is deprived and are forced to live a horrible and destitute life by not having access to social network sites.

I mean no internet pretty much explains those drunken moonshine nights fueled by meth, and that's a crime. Speaking of crimes, checkout the following story of what happened down in Mississippi recently:

Thinking Allowed

 Or: Thinking Aloud...

Quick! Stash away your brain. Yes, you know that gelatinous matter between your ears? I realize many of you don’t use most of it (the unused percentage being higher for teabaggers and their black and brown enablers). However, the editors here at the Intersection of Madness and Reality Blog have discovered that your brain is illegal. The U.S. government has criminalized the chemical compounds of peyote, even though one of them (dopamine) is a primary neural transmitter in the human brain. Our brains also produce anandamide, a substance that’s nearly identical to THC, the active ingredient in marijuana.

::watches disdainfully as some fools set their brains on fire::

BTW: So much for the “they hate us and our freedoms” perspective of Islam. According to my computations (not really) more than 1.2 billion Muslims live under democratically elected governments, and there is a steady movement towards democratization, civil rights, and political freedom in many other Islamic nations (click here for source).

And check out this item from our “Good News/ Bad News” department: The U.S. Air force has complied with the Environmental Protection Agency’s ban on ozone-destroying chlorofluorocarbons (CFCs). It has removed CFCs from the cooling systems of ballistic missiles that carry nuclear warheads. “If they are ever fired,” Access to Energy reported, “there will be an environmentally friendly nuclear holocaust.”

::blank stare::

A blind German clairvoyant named Ulf Buck claims he can foretell people’s future by feeling their naked buttocks. At last! A man I can admire. I’ve been trying to tell women this all my adult life! Believe me, if I can feel your naked buttocks, sweetie, I will definitely be able to tell your immediate future (“I see you experiencing a refreshing soreness and deeply felt sense of surrender in the near future.”)

¡Ask a Nuyorican!

¡Hola! Gringos! It’s National HisPanic Month (or something like that) and as the resident Nuyorican, I’ll be posting almost exclusively on things Latino/a over at my blog.

* * *

Being a Primer on How to be a Nuyorican via Cuss Words, Sex, and Everything Else

So, I was reading ¡Ask A Mexican! by Gustavo Arellano and I found it hilarious. I was thinking that since the messakins have such a reference source, then the second largest Latino/a demographic, people of Puerto Rican descent, should be similarly honored. After all, in the northeast and in places like Chicago, Puerto Ricans are most likely the majority of Latino/as you will run into. Shit, we even have a tight-knit clan in Hawaii, part of the unintended result of Operation Bootstrap. But I’m getting a little ahead of myself here and I don’t want to give anyone a headache.


Notice the word in my title, Nuyorican? Well, a Nuyorican is a person of Puerto Rican descent or birth who was born or raised in New York City. Lots of Dominicans and Cubans ad assorted other Latino/as try to pass themselves off a Nuyoricans, but you can tell us apart right away: we’re the first ones to speak up.

Now, if you’re from the South or the West Coast, you might not even know what a Puerto Rican is or that Puerto Rico is a colony of the good old U.S. of A. Yup, that’s right. Puerto Rico, a small island in the Caribbean, is one of the oldest colonies on the planet (a distinction we share with our Irish brothers and sisters!).

As a result of the Jones Act, we are citizens of the USA. Not that we asked for it. In fact, we had nothing to do with it, since our little islita was part of the spoils of the Spanish-American War. But in any case, we are US citizens, so all you black and white Americanos who are too stupid to know your own country’s geography and who are about to ask me for my green card -- I got yer fuckin’ green card...

::right here::

I once had to set an educator Down South straight while attempting to register my younger brother in school, dumb fuckin’ hick. A teacher should know America, right?

Now that we got that out of the way... we can move on to the juicier stuff! Let’s start with language. This is by no means an exhaustive list and I hope to continue adding to it, but it will have to suffice for now...

BREAKING NEWS:Lil Wayne is Sandra Bullock's baby daddy!

I'ono y'all, but I'm feeling like something ain't right with this whole adoption thing, and how it all just came out of nowhere. Shoot, for all we know, why ya' bullshittin, this is prolly why Jesse James stepped out with the next chick! I'm just sayin', how you 'posed to be the man with your skinhead buddies when yo' woman creep with a black dude with a yuckmouth?

I mean c'mon, the kid is New Orleans, right? Didn't have like 4 or 5 chicks pregnant all at the same time? Of course that don't mean nuthin 'cuz Lil Wayne leaves his skeet in all fifty states and Puerto Rico. But I think there's more to it than we really know, son. But anyway, checkout the exclusive interview with Lil Louis and tell me if I'm lyin'. Word is born, son? I think they coached that kid on this whole adoption thing, yo:



Nah, nah, nah son... I ain't buyin' that adoption story. But son, I swear, I put this on e'ry thing! When this lil dude starts smokin' weed, tottin' burners and catchin' charges, yo? Don't say I ain't never told y'all. I'm just sayin', don't belee e'ry thing ya hear in the media! And I know you ain't gon' tell me that baby don't look like him...

Ya'heard?

H/T: AverageBro.com