White men with Negro penises?!

OK, so we're getting close to the end of the year and I have a few more 2009 race cards that I need to use before the ball drops. Let's face it, a 2009 race card just isn't as fresh and effective as a 2010 race card would be in it's current year. So I have a few of them left and I'm gonna throw it out on this post.

Now everybody knows the "all black men have large penises" stereotype is true, right? Of course it is; it's the only stereotype we have working in our favor in America. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know most racial stereotypes are untrue. But trust me, this one and the "white men can't jump," one, is true iight?!

Now of course there are exceptions to every rule, and every now and then there's a white guy who's secret gets out. You know the secret, right? The secret that there's a Negro tucked away in the limb of his family tree somewhere in Mississippi; uh-huh, just ask John McCain.

Yeah, a lot of them claim Sitting Bull before they do Chicken George, but don't let them fool you. At any rate, checkout how a few white women reacted to one of these anomalies of human existence in the following clip:


In my best Bevis & Butthead impression I laughed and snickered that his name was Peter. They picked the perfect name didn't they. Peter the pecker-wood sounds like helluva porn-star name to me. But just for kicks if I were him I would call myself Danmingo - the distant cousin of Mandingo who helped free the slaves with Harriet Tubman.

OK, all jokes aside and race card in mind. Do you think their reaction would have been the same if Peter were replaced with Raheem from the other side of the tracks? Like I said, I'm just trying to use the few race cards I have left before they expire.

So tell me, would it have made a difference if Peter was black? And what if occupying the table were all black women, would there be a difference in reaction? Holla at me and lemme know what you think.

BTW: My white genes compels me to say that size doesn't matter, right ladies?

DID YOU KNOW: 17% of heterosexual males use vibrators on themselves? Ladies: Do you know where your vibrator has been?

No seriously, did you even know that? I didn't but I heard it on the radio this morning as the result of a recent study conducted at Indiana University. I thought it was funny hearing the results of this "booty-breaking" study on The Tom Joyner Morning Show of all places. I'm just saying, you know how the Black community is sensitive about anything perceived to be homosexual. Oh c'mon, don't front; I'm sure when you read the title to this post you had images of some gay dude playing hide the salami with himself just like I did.

I'm sorry, but that's just the culture within which we live. Let's be honest here, we men in this perpetual patriarchal society all have that secret pornographic fantasy to come home from a hard days work, only to walk in on a woman pleasuring herself. Oh don't tell me I'm the only one who has thoughts like that?!! But anyway, I'd like to think that this is not a secret fantasy for women. I could be wrong, but I doubt a woman would be comfortable or dare I say turned on by walking in on her man pleasuring himself with a vibrator. Talk about an awkward moment, right?

But hey, 17% is a relatively low number, but still significant when you think of it. I mean, if you're a woman my age (I'm 39yrs old) you've probably had sexual encounters with about at least 50 different guys. Oh yeah, and don't sit there trying to fool me when you respond to this insisting that having sex with 50 different guys at that age is extreme. Ok, so maybe 20 different guys. But still, that would mean that at least 3 of them pleasure themselves with vibrators. And that's not counting the one bi-sexual dude who you were always suspicious of.

Can you now imagine going back through the archives and trying to figure out which of the guys you slept with who may have done something like this? Scary isn't it? Even scarier is the thought that he may have used your vibrator a time or two. Actually, what it does is put a whole new perspective on masculine perceptions. No for real it does. From here on out you're going to look at men differently. Am I wrong ladies? But hey, it's been said that knowing is half the battle. That said, you women need to figure out a way to squeeze the "do you use vibrators on yourself," question in speed dating sessions or at the nightclub on weekends after a guy buys you drinks.

QUESTION: How would you feel walking in on your man using a vibrator on himself?

It's almost Mother's Day and...

It hit me the other day that Mother's Day was right around the corner. Holidays like those always sneak up on me. So I was thinking about what type of gift to get for my mother. My mother lives in Brooklyn New York, and I'm here in Memphis TN. damn another world with less White people. So, we don't get to see each other face to face as often as I would like. I thought about maybe a surprise visit to New York, but I don't think I can afford such a short trip.

It was then that I got to thinking about all the previous Mother's Day gifts; even going all the way back to those ugly little cards we used to make in grade school. Those cards were so raggedy looking but your mother never ever let it show. She was happy, and you felt good and never gave any thought to whether your card was good enough. Ah yes, the simple life. I've given my mother many gifts over the years. So as I'm thinking about it, I'm stuck on what to give her. I mean what do you give your mom when you've pretty much given her everything, right?

That's when it hit me; maybe I should get her a sex toy. I mean hey, that's something I've never done. I don't know if she would use it or even know what it is should she to open something like that in the mail. Do you think that would be inappropriate? What? It’s not like she’s never had sex before. I don't know about you but I could remember being like 7yrs old and sneaking and reading her porn magazines; or did they belong to my dad? Either way, they had a sex draw full of stuff. No joke, for a long time I thought condoms were balloons and me and my little brother would have water balloon fights with them.

My mom and my dad has been divorced for well over 20yrs and she has never had another boyfriend other than Jesus. That said, there are times I wonder about her and how does she do it. Do you think that would be wrong? Do you think you could ever buy your mother a vibrator, dildo or any other sex toy as a gift? How do you think she would react if you did? Do you think she would use it? What if one of your kids gave you a sex toy as a present, how do you deal with that?