STIMULATED DUMMIES

Everytime I hear about "STIMULUS CECKS", I can't help but think of a doctor giving my penis a physical. I'm serious, thats what I think everytime I hear the term. Ok, I know I'm dumb like that, but hey, thats just me. Here we are in the 2nd week of May, the big month people have been looking forward to. Well, not everybody actually. Just the dummies. Yup, the dummies. You see, a few months ago the gov't decided to "aid" the balls sucking economy by sending out money to its working citizens. Its believed that these checks would help jump start the economy. Thats right, that little piece of paper from the gov't is like a jumper cable on a cold sub-zero economy.

Since its approval by the president, dummies have been waiting by the mailbox, and checking online to know when the money is gonna come. So why you call them dummies RiPPa? Because thats what they are. You know dummies don't ever talk for themselves, or by themselves. Instead they sit on the lap of a ventriloquist and give us the illusion of being able to think, or speak. As an adult I can look at dummies perform on stage and laugh. But when I was a kid, I always thought it to be some freaky shit. I mean think about it, why was the dummy always on some dudes lap? And why did that dude always have his hand up the dummy's ass? See what I mean? Freaky...

but I digest.

But back to the dummies. You see, there are people who actually think that they're receiving "free" money. Can you believe that shit? Yup, God blessed them with a check, and its free money. Thats right, we don't pay taxes on just about everything in this country. Nope we don't. And the gov't is doing us a favor. The funny thing about all of this, is that very few people are gonna actually do the right thing. And what's that RiPPa? Invest, you dumbass!! Very few people are gonna use the money to purchase stock, or as downpayments towards owning a home. You know, smart shit like that. Instead, they're gonna run out every damn where like the dummies they are and blow it without any thoughts of the future.

I happened to be at Walmart last weekend picking up a bag of charcoal for the grill, and I'd be damned if I didn't see hundreds of people shopping like it was Christmas. Hell I thought it was the 1st of the month, and welfare checks and foodstamps were out. Hell, I thought black people got reparations and they forgot to tell me about it! Seriously, there were hundreds of people running around buying shit, and I know it wasn't stuff for Mothers Day either. But hey, gas is like $5 per gallon, and a barrel of oil costs about $120 per barrel. Instead of investing or purchasing stock in oil companies, we run around emptying the tank spending that money like a bunch of STIMULATED DUMMIES. And you wonder why the gov't sits on its oil reserves. Or why Bush vetoed the bill to assist families who are victims of the housing crunch through foreclosure.

The checks in the mail...

Spend that money dummy...

I WANNA MAKE LOVE IN THIS CLUB

So Suge Knight got knocked out at a club this past weekend. Oh well, who cares. Its become big news. And why? Because its big bad Suge Knight. Just the name scares me. Yeah right! I don't really see the big deal, hell, the dude is broke, and old. Last I heard he only had $13 in his bank account and had to file for bankruptcy. Why the fuck was he in the club anyway. I mean that dude's like 45yrs old ain't he? See, thats why I don't go to the club. I'd be damned if I'm the old nigga gettin knocked the fuck out by some young dude.

But not Suge, he had to be the old nigga in the club wearing a Newport labeled hat, and a Kools T-Shirt. Oh don't front, you know you've seen old dudes in the club with Jheri curls, wack gear, knob toed Stacy Adams wit tube socks. I know I did back in my club going days, and that was when I vowed to never be the old dude in the club. I mean, looking like somebody's drunk uncle is not cool. By the time you're 35yrs old its time to hang it up trynna hang with the young people. If you need to go out, stick to the old people spots. You know, like the local American Legion, or like the bar at Holiday Inn. Trust me, your old ass is safe there, and nobody is gonna laugh at you for doing the Electric Slide, or singing "Too Legit To Quit".


Its only so long before that Mr. Badass rep and attitude diminishes, and the embarassment of being you takes over. You gotta remember, that we're getting older, and these young dudes are all looking to make a name for themselves. Why the fuck should they respect, or look up to oldass has been niggas like Suge. There's a place for has been cats, and its called the internet.

GIMME A TITTY!!

Somewhere, amidst all of the bullshit this year, we missed something. I say we, becuase I don't hear anybody talking about it. There've been many a discussion about the war in Iraq, the presidential race for 2008, high gas prices, and even Britney Spears' crotch. But there's one thing that slipped by us all...

WHY THE FUCK IS MILK SO EXPENSIVE!!!

Do you people realize that milk is almost $4 per gallon?!! Maybe I'm the last muthafucka on the planet to still drink milk and thats why I noticed. But this shit is rediculous! How did this happen? I mean, are the cows on strike? Is there a shortage or something that nobody told me about? I need answers folks and I need it fast. If this can happen to milk, lord knows it could happen to anything else in this country. The last thing I need, is to go to the strip club and findout that lap dances cost $50 a pop nowadays. It wasn't that long ago that milk was like $2 per gallon, and now all of a sudden, you gotta drink it in shot glasses because its so expensive. How in the hell are poor people supposed to be able to afford milk for their kids? If this keeps up, we'll have a new generation of malnurished kids here in America. Its gonna make the 80's crack baby look pretty fuckin healthy if we're not careful. I don't have a solution for this problem right now. Maybe you people have the ideas on this one. But I know somebody has to have a sit down with the cows or something. Pretty soon we'll all be eating dry cereal or sucking on the titties of random women with babies.

CRAZY WHITE FOLKS SHIT

I don't know if any of you have been following this polygamist cult thing down in Texas. Have you seen the mothers of those kids as they walked into court? I know I'm not the only one who has noticed that they all look like "Mrs. Olsen" from on "Little House On The Prairie", right?!! Damn those are some old ugly looking white women! I had to specify them as being white because I've yet to see a black woman as part of their cult on TV. I don't know if there were/are any black women down in Texas in that compound. But if there were, it wouldn't surprise me. You know us black people always try to fit in with everything thats white? Shit, it wouldn't surprise me if one or a few of them were black. I'm kinda glad they don't show them on TV if there are any though. I'd hate white America to see that and get the idea that slavery was back, upon seeing images of Aunt Jemima. They'd probably think that the sister was the one raising the kids, just like ALL black women did back in the day. Oh you think I'm trippin? Shit, there were black people who died in Guyana fuckin with that dude Jim Jones back in the 70's. Yes, there were black people who drank the kool aid. We "outsiders" of the black persuation can look and laugh and call it "CRAZY WHITE FOLKS SHIT" all day long. But the minute one of us pops on the scene, we hang our heads in shame.

Remember when those make-overs were popular on talk shows? What ever happened to that shit? Oh yeah, paternity tests became the rage, or the new black. Well, I think instead of interviewing these women like they did on TV, they should give them all make-overs. Yeah, that's what needs to be done. I mean really, if you look like the way they look, it's easy to understand why they'd all agree to marry one white man and have 75 babies a piece by him. They're human, and they feel the need to be wanted just like you and me. Some of us do other things to get attention. Like...post naked pics of ourselves on the internet, or stalking like Cosmic Brotha does on here everyday. These ladies are no different. Yes, they're as fucked up as we all are, but they look wierd, and thats the difference.

But seriously though, I wonder if this polygamist cult were black, would the gov't or the state of Texas even care. I mean, I know the state of Texas cares about the welfare of black people so much so to incarcerate and execute them in record numbers. Damn, I said I wasn't gonna get too deep with this blog, but I fucked up and did it. Lemme get back on topic. Yeah, those old ass ugly white female polygamists. Look, I'm not a woman, but I'm sure seeing those women on TV dressed like that with those fucked up hairstyles, has to be depressing for women as it is for me. Other than it being a religious cult, who would wanna bang a bunch of old ugly women who look like they just stepped off of a ship from England circa 1495? I know I wouln't! But, its obvious that there are white men into that type of thing. They pass it off as a religion, hence the cult thing, but I really think its more of a fetish. Hey, white people do crazy shit! I was watching "Real Sex" on HBO the other night, and they had a segment on men who like to dress as babies in diapers and be dominated by their mothers. No shit, I saw that shit this past weekend! They had grown ass men in fuckin diapers, going googoo gaaga and drinking baby bottles while the women were dressed like nannies taking care of them. Of course you know I had to look to see if there were any black dudes in the segment who were into that kinda thing. I didn't find any, so I guess thats just one of those things that crazy white folks do.

LEMME SMELL YO DICK!!!

Yep, thats right! Thats what the title says and thats what the title means...

"LEMME SMELL YOUR DICK!"


Ok lemme explain. There are some women who have trust issues with their significant others to the point that when he comes home, she smells his dick to see if he's been cheating. Nope, I'm not making that shit up. Some of you may have heard of such behavior as I have. But I doubt any of you even knows a dick sniffer. Well dammit I do. I remember back in the day, one of my boys who also was my brother-in-law at the time came to my house. He stopped by and I was at home alone. The first thing he asked was could he use my bathroom. I'm like yeah, what kinda question is that to be asking because you're like family. He then explained that he needed to wash his dick nut not necessarily take a shower. When he told me that, I was trippin because my first thought was I'd be damned if this nigga washes his dick in my sink! So I asked him what the fuck was going on that it was so important to come to my muthafuckin house just to wash your dick. As I stood there clueless, this fool tells me that he's been cheating on his wife, and she doesn't trust him. SO I'm wondering, what the fuck does that have to do with my bathroom. Thats when this nigga tells me that everytime he comes home, the first thing he has to do is drop is draws so that she can do a smell test on his dick. Upon telling me this, I fell out laughing. I thought that it was fucked up to have to go thru that, but oh well, better him than me.

I'd be damned if I have to go thru that bullshit to improve trust in my relationship. But hey, he was fuckin around and thats why he had to come to my house and wash his dick. I didn't let him use the sink but I did let him use the bathroom to do it. Later that night I told my wife what happened. It was no surprise to her, she said that his wife has been like that for years even as far back as when they were just dating. I caught this video on the page of my man Eddie Blue Eyes, and it reminded me of the story I just told. Its some new song I guess. I've never heard it on the radio, but I doubt that I ever will. I don't know if you've ever heard of stories like this one, or if you are a dick/pussy sniffer ya damn self. If you are, I suggest you get some help or get the fuck out of the relationship. I'm willing to bet that here on 360, there are dick and pussy sniffers just by the level of BITCHASSNESS on display around this site. But when you have to start sniffin dicks and pussy, I think its time to bounce.

Don't you?

And now, the video that inspried this post...

OH THE HORROR!!!

Yesterday we took Ashley to the doctors office for her checkup. This was her third doctors visit since being born. At the last visit, three months ago, she revieved her first set of immunization shots. They call it immunization shots, but I call it barbaric torture. Ok, so I cried when she got her first shots, and hence me refering to the act as being barbaric. I dunno, but are these shots even really necessary? So, yesterday the minute we walked into the office, I noticed that Ashley didn't look quie comfortable. While in the waiting area, she had the look of, "I've been here before...I remember this place, and I don't like it." Yeah, she even looked at me and her mom with great suspicion. I swear, its like she knew what was gonna happen. So they called her name to signal her to the back, and I'm wondering....she's 5mths old, why the hell would you call HER name? Is she supposed to recognize her name and know that she's ready to be seen? I'm thinking she's 5mths old lady, we we're the ones who drove here!

So we move to the check in room for her to be weighed in and measured. The minute she entered the room, she started buggin out as she was being undressed. Ashley is a very quiet baby, she mostly laughs and is happy except for when she's hungry. Plus she's good with strangers, so her behavior was obviously different from my observation. I swear, its like she knew what was gonna happen. We find out that she now weighs 16.4lbs and she's still 25 inches long, and then we're ushered to the torture chamber...oops, I meant the examination room to wait for the doctor. This is when she got reall nervous. The doctor walks in and we put her in the table, and I can see it in her eyes that she wasn't feelin this old black lady with the ugly wig and white coat touching her. I promiss you, its like she knew what was gonna happen. She starts to cry as she's being inspected, and thats when I knew that she definitely hated this place because she knew what was coming. So the doctor starts talking about her weight. She said she was concerned because for her height/length, she was overweight. She then said that we need to cut back or watchout on giving her cookies and all kinds of sweets. Cookies?? Who the hell gives a 5mth old baby a cookie??!! She only drinks 6 bottles a day, and 1 bowl of that baby food stuff, and this lady is counselling me and my wife about giving her coookies! I thought it was strange, but I guess she looked at my fat ass and just knew I was feeding her pig feet, hog maws with the occasional side of beef. ...

But I digest.

The way Ashley was acting forced me to ask the doctor how early can kids recall traumatic events. She said its ususally until they're around 9 or 10mths old that they do that. I dunno, she's the expert, so I accepted what she said. Of course this isn't true of every kid because like I said, I knew Ashley remembered that last visit when they stuck her three times in her legs and made her drink some nasty stuff. I mean, as far as I'm concerened that was her first real taste of trauma or pain. Don't get me wrong, being born, or the experience of child birth has to be truamatic for a baby. But I think there's a mechanism in your brain that erases that experience for the most part. I say "for the most part" because its obvious that there are some adults who are fucked up, and never actually get over that experience, and hence the clingy, needy behavior they exhibit....

but I digestive tract.

So here she was once again about to get MORE shots. This time Lee made me be the one to hold her down. I wanted to leave the room before her shots because i didnt think I was gonna be able to take it. The last time she got shots, she looked at me in my eyes as if to say, "daddy why did you let them do this to me?" So this time around, I figured I'd leave the room, but my wife wasn't having it. As I held her doen on that table she began to cry. After the first stick she let out this scream that was out of this world. I felt a tear roll down my face as I thought about her pain and how much I wanted to punch that lady in the mouth. But, I wasn't trynna catch a charge or anything; I doubt they would have understaood that as a father we can be emotional when it comes to our kids. The funny thing, is that after it was over, she didn't cry for very long like she did the last time. The last time, she cried all the way to the car, and on the ride home. I don't remember my earliest encounter with pain, and I wish I could. But then again, maybe that was a very painfull enough experience that I don't wanna remember. Its kinda fucked up, that we can forget physical pain faster than we can the emotional ones....

Don't ya think?