IF I TAKE ONE MORE DRINK, I'M GON' END UP EFFIN' WHO?

You know, I've always been amazed at the people who do stuff and blame it on their consumption of alcohol. Usually said "stuff" is considered embarrassing, and hence the reason to not own up to it. We've all heard the stories of the people who wake up in strange and unknown places, next to people they barely even know. Waking up next to a semi-total stranger has to be scary especially when you don't even remember how you got there.

I woke up in my draws in my bed, alone, and couldn't remember how I got there. Thank God it was my bed and I recognized where I was. If it was some unknown bedroom that would have freaked me out. Yup, and I almost immediately would have been checking for scars just to make sure I had all my internal organs. Trust me, you don't want to wake up to find that you're missing a kidney, after a night out on the town.

My wife and I went to a club last Saturday night. We were there to celebrate her sisters 30th birthday. Its been a long time since I've set foot in a nightclub, but from the looks of it, not much has changed. Even though, this was my first time in this particular club, it was as if I'd seen all these people in a club before. There were a lot of family and friends, and friends of the family there, celebrating with us, and it was cool.

Yup, nice atmosphere there at club "Classic Soul" that night. I was apprehensive before even going because I had never ever heard of the place. All I was hoping on the way there, was that it wasn't gonna be a ghetto ass hole in the wall joint. So pulling up in the parking lot and seeing two Bentley's as well as other luxury vehicles eased my mind. I mean, you know how some fools can get up in the club, right? Shit, had I seen some raggedy ass looking rides with spinners and shit like that, we probably would not had even stopped. Hell, I ain't be got no weapon!

Our table was stocked with liquor, and there was no going to the bar. Yup, none of that $10 drink shit, and when you're on a budget, throwing money away at the bar is foolish. After exchanging pleasantries with the kinfolk, I noticed that there was a gallon sized bottle of Bacardi Dark on the table. I happen to enjoy dark liquor as opposed to anything clear, or white as they call it. And since this was the darkest on the table, I went for it. I made one drink, chased it with pineapple juice and was feeling good as I was checking out all the people in the place.

At the end of that drink, almost on Que, the DJ played that single lady bullshit anthem, "Put A Ring On It", and the women lost their minds. Clearly, there were a lot of single women wishing they had a ring on their fingers in the place that night. They all rushed to the dance-floor. But lo and behold, who stole the show was this gay dude who pretty much did the entire routine from the video. People were losing their minds, and rolling in fits of laughter because of this guy. He looked like a broke Justine Guarinni with moves like "Leroy" from the old TV show "Fame".

The club was one of those 25yr old and up type of clubs so they played a nice mix of grown folks music. It was when they threw on some old Chicago style steppin' music that my wife and I got on the dance-floor. Uh huh, RiPPa knows how to get down. We danced our asses off, and had a great time just the two of us acting like we were the only people on the dance-floor. See, alcohol will make you do something like that. It makes you feel good, and makes the time spent just a little bit better than normal.

So after getting off the dance-floor, we went back to our table and I fixed a second drink, mixed and mingled with my kinfolk, and did some more people watching. Oh yeah, I saw that some women still have stank attitudes and act like all eyes are on them in the club. Sorry lady, it's not that you're cute, it's the fact that you're half naked, and it's cold outside. I had one more drink and the next thing I know, is I'm in my draws waking up in my bed by myself. You see, I remember fixing three drinks, but my wife tells me that after the third, her cousin fixed me like three more, and she had to stop me from drinking and take my ass home because I was a hot mess.

She said I was happy, but sloppy drunk, and almost fell in the club a couple of times. The thing is, I don't remember a damn thing past the third drink. No joke. She told me that she was afraid because I was so fucked up and kept talking about busting somebody in the head. Who I don't know, nor neither does she. She said it was at that point that she had to drag me out of there just as two other dudes started an argument among themselves. She said she had a hard time trying to buckle me in my seat-belt. She said that I threw up all over myself, and in the parking lot next to the car.

I think she said I also threw up on the way home and tried to jump out of the car as it was still moving. After hearing all of that, I was embarrassed as fuck. I was more so worried about how I made her look in the presence of family and friends. She said that I didn't do or say anything off the wall, nor did any of them see me puke. Or see her pick me up off the floor in our house when she walked me into our doorway. Or see her undress my ass, and throw my clothes into the washer. Nope, none of them saw that and I am glad they didn't. I felt like shit literally after she told me how the 3.5 hours we spent in the club ended. Which is sad because I only remember barely half of it.

Can we truly blame alcohol for our actions? To some it might sound like an easy cop out, and just some other cliche bullshit. Another well known cliche is that a drunk man tells no lies. That said, it is believed that alcohol releases the true character of individuals when they're drunk. But when sober, most people couldn't be caught dead doing some of the shit they do when drunk. Lets face it: alcohol lowers your inhibitions. Yes it does. It puts you into another world. What world I don't know, but its another world and I've been there.

Sadly, this episode didn't involve sex...