I didn't really wanna write or speak upon the Chris Brown "alleged" beatdown on Rhianna. But I have two teenage daughters so I can't help it; its all they've been talking about. As a matter of fact, the 14yr old who is often quite distant and in her own teenage world, came to me last night after I picked her up from the beauty shop, and it was the first topic out of her mouth for discussion.I thought it was over, but this morning my wife brings it up after having a discussion with the girls. In case you didn't know, Chris Brown and Rhianna are two Grammy Award winning recording artists who at one time were dating. In the pic above they're pictured in happier times.
You see, our girls are huge Chris Brown fans. So much so, that when he started dating Rhianna they were pissed. Teenagers I tell ya. Heck, last summer they would playfully argue among each other as to which one of them were going to marry him. To which, they had my blessings, as well as my wife's. For the last 3yrs, they both have come to understand that Chris Brown is the only celebrity they were allowed to date. He's was clean cut and seemed like the good old American Black kid, sorta like Micheal Jackson before the monkey, and all that other crazy shit.
As much as I hate seeing my girls grow up and swoon over boys, I must say I was acceptable of it being Chris instead of the tattooed mosquito known as Lil Wayne. There are a few other celebrity guys they have crushes on, but I've always steered them clear of them, as they looked like prison material. But not Chris he's 19yrs old. He could come to my house, pick them up and take them to the prom, or even maybe a movie or something like that. So quite naturally, the latest news surrounding him has our daughters a little disturbed. As a parent I must say, I am a little perplexed about this as well. Not that I'm all into celebrity gossip or anything. I'm only interested because my daughters are. And lets be honest, as much as I hate it, they will both be dating soon.
So what do I teach my girls when it comes to men and conflict resolution and dating? I've taught them just like my parents taught me: KEEP YOUR HANDS TO YOURSELF! Its that simple. Sure you can talk shit, or listen to someone talk shit about you, but you keep your hands to yourself. Well, unless they put their hands on you first. After which, you have the right to defend yourself. Other than that, I was always taught not to be the one to strike first, or the aggressor. I might sound pussy, but it kept me in line as I grew up until I was grown.
You see, it wasn't until my first marriage that I ever had a physical altercation with a woman. Sure I've had arguments and shouting matches with previous girlfriends, but never was there anything physical. Hell, like most guys, it was reinforced that boys do not hit girls as I grew up. But my parents screwed up and forgot to tell me that their are exceptions to the rule. In other words, they never told me that the world was full of crazy bitches who do step out of the line of being a ladylike. You know, the females who would "force" a man to get beside himself? You know the type, right? The women who would talk smack, and wouldn't hesitate to slap the shit, out of a man first? Yeah, those women. My parents never told me about them.
So what was I supposed to do? Was I supposed to walk away? I mean, I didn't know, because like I said, my parents failed to tell me this could happen. Sure some of you may say I was supposed to walk away because any man who hits a woman is weak. I'm sure some of you might think that. But how does one walk away when growing up you're taught that if you come home after getting your ass whooped in a fight for not fighting back, you're gonna get a beating from your parents? Hell, even as I was growing up I saw parents dragging their kids down the block and forcing them to fight other kids. So you tell me, how do you walk away?
See, this is that bullshit double standard way of raising kids. We tell them when they're kids that if someone hits them, they're supposed to hit them back. We also tell them: boys aren't supposed to hit girls. I'm speaking from a male perspective and point of view of course, but what are you supposed to tell a girl specifically as she grows up? I'd like to know what you would tell a girl other than the obvious. Which is: love isn't supposed to hurt, and if a man has to put his hands on you, he doesn't love you. In retrospect, just that line is kinda funny when you think of how your parents, after beating your ass for something you weren't supposed to do would say, "I did it because I love you." Ain't that a trip? Having thought about it, isn't it easy to see how some people grow up confused?
So what do I teach my girls? I teach them that there are men out there who are not like me. I teach them that there are some men who do not think before they act. I teach them that there are some women who feel the need to lash out physically, but there's really no need for it. I teach them that any physical reaction be it man or woman, in most cases, happens to be a sign of the inability to communicate. Yup, that's what I teach them. Above all, and most importantly, I teach them about love.
Kiss me, and then I'll kiss you back
11 comments:
Finally some rational perspective on this whole mess. I have been on everyones blog and it goes from one extreme(You should never, ever, ever, ever hit a women. If she shoots or stabs you she must have had a reason, just limp out the door to the hospital. Or Black men must hate Black women for all the abuse they heap on us) to another(If the bitch get outta line......knock her teeth in.)Thanks for the "real talk" on this issue.
hello first time poster here...im kinda through with this topic but ideally a man should walk away if a woman puts her hands on him, however i kno in the "real world" emotions spin out of control and rationale flies out the window. honestly tho if a woman hits a man and he hits her back what does that lead to?? whats the end result gonna be? a woman who got her ass whopped...thats never cool. and i dont think people use their hands because they cant communicate i think it boils down to being able to control your anger. and lastly i dont think i would ever tell my child i spanked her cuz i love her. i love her and therefore i discipline her but lets be real, most parents spank out of anger.
the only thing i have to say about the cb/rihanna issue is that no matter what started the argument he shouldnt have put his hands on her period. but growing up watching ur mother get beat on a regular basis will distort your reality...i dont think his career is over tho. he's just gonna have to do like everyone else and go to "rehab" (the celeb cure-all lol) and the public will forgive him.
Good post, poet. Everyone should learn 'keep your hands to yourself'.
this is a tricky subject, because I have a son, granted he's only 8 months now but when he gets to that age, what am I going to tell him about fighting. If a woman hits a man on the regular because she cant control herself and he finally snaps then I'm not sure I can place all the blame on him.
At the same time if a man is with a woman that drives him crazy he should leave before he puts his hands on her....unless of coarse the woman is the stalker type (thats a whole diff story).
When the time comes, I'm going to teach my son be the bigger person and walk away...lol but my fiance (his daddy) might wanna teach him something different. I know how you men are =]
and for the record, i have not made a comment on this whole chrianna circus until more facts come out. It's crazy how this society can crucify this boy without facts, but R let-me-piss-on-this-underage-girl Kelly is fine.
Rippa great post as usual. I agree women should not be hitting men thinking that a man want hit back. Some men will walk away and some want.
I taught my son if possible please walk away. I also taught my son if you don't want your sister hit don't hit no one else sister.
Hubby and I will be married 20 years come Sept. He has never put his hands on me and neither have I put my hands on him.
We had many of heated rounds but no hitting. I don't get up in his face with that mess talking about hit me if you are so bad. Don't get me wrong I believe if I hit him he will return the favor.
"hello first time poster here...im kinda through with this topic but ideally a man should walk away if a woman puts her hands on him..."
Well, I tried that once and it almost cost me my life. I spent 12 days in a coma with a catheter tube in my chest, and 2 surgeries after being released from the hospital. I was stabbed in the chest with a butcher knife, the knife pierced my heart and my left lung. It was the grace of god I'm here to tell this, and after all this, the repair they did on my first surgery, didn't hold, and I nearly died from internal bleeding. On the day I went to the hospital, my chest, throat, and head felt heavy, I leaned forward, and blood poured out of my nose, mouth, and even started filling up in my eyes. I've been shot 5 times, and I didn't suffer nearly as much trauma as I suffered when I got stabbed. My baby mother's exact words were, "If I can't have you, nobody's gonna have you". This is the incident that made me leave her alone for good, but this woman came to my house and cut up all my clothes , she used to stalk me. Once she camped out in an abandoned apartment for 4 days with my 4 month old son, I was out of town at the time. To say this chick was crazy would be a serious understatement. I've called the police numerous times, and one time, the 911 operator actually laughed at me (and never sent the police out) Even after getting a restraining order against her, she still did not get one day in jail. (well, they took her down to the station and she told them I hit her, she never spent a day in jail. I'll tell you one damn thing, that was 15 years ago, and god forbid if I ever get in that situation again, I'm killin somebody
he world we live in itell ya
This story shook up a lot folks, exactly because Chris and Ri are so squeaky clean.
Even my 20 year old, thugged out, hard core rap music loving son shocked me with how strong his reaction was.
He brought it up, and said, "Chris Brown is a role model. The radio stations and MTV should ban his music for at least a month to send a message that what he did was wrong!"
He glanced at his 13 year sister, and I know what he was thinking: he doesn't want that shit to ever happen to her, and he wanted her to know it. I was really proud of him, and you're right, that's all the teens have been talking about this week, and parents everywhere hope it never happens to their daughters.
Cool post.
Lately I've been thinking that it seems like a Catch 22 - how men aren't taught about the alternatives of dealing with a domestic altercation because either they have a good woman who never deserves to be hit or they have a crazy bitch who needs to be put in her place.
What drives me crazy is thinking about what if Chris Brown had decided to speak up and report Rihanna to the police first. Then would he be receiving all this support. It's sad, but I don't think he would. Many would look at him as less than a "real" man.
And while officially, only 7.5 percent report being in abusive relationship, I wander how often does this happen? But I fear the number may be conflated by men (and the women who stand by their side no matter what) would report any offense as justifiable reason for why he hit another woman.
What was my original point?LOL. O, yeah, cool post.
i do not condone violence in a relationship. i always say you should not be in a relationship with a person that you have to put your hands on. now with that said, i am a peaceful nonviolent type of person. i do not even argue. i was in a relationship with this bipolar bitch who felt that i did not love her if i did not argue and fight with her. needless to say, she was not happy because i would not argue and fight with her. she constantly accused me of cheating on her just so we could argue which i would never do. when this did not work, she started putting her hands on me and throwing things and hitting me. i would leave the house and come back she would still want to fight. enough was enough! after getting scratched and bit so many times, i had to knock that bitch up side her head. i believe a man should not hit a woman but she is living in "my" home and i was not about to leave "my" home because she needed anger management. i say all of this to say Rhi Rhi may be one of those people with insecurity and anger issues and could have been putting her hands on her man. people should not be so quick to judge without knowing the complete situation. period.
I've noticed I feel different about this topic than most women do. I feel that if a broad ( i won't say lady because a lady would know not to put her hands on a man) is bgi, bad and bold enough to start an altercation with a man and she insists on hitting him, then he has every right to defend himself. He can try walking way and if that doesn't work then he must defend himself. Some broad get carried away with such action and it never leads anywhere good. There are just some women out there who like to hit men. And the more then men just "walk away" she continues to hit him. I think there are instances when defending yourself is acceptable.
I don't think a man should just go around beating women but in defense of himself if he must, than he must. I think the " men shouldn't hit women" carries a double standard. I think women and men shouldn't hit eachother and we won't have these issues. And for the most part after its done once on either part, that's when one or the other should leave. Don't let it become an ongoing thing between the 2 parties. That's just craziness.
I've never been hit by a man, I've had a man come out of his face and threathen to and guess what, I was gone. I don't play them type games!
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