Monday, October 5, 2009

I'm not a shrink, but every now and then I play one on the internet; seriously, I do.

It’s been almost two years, and this blog has developed somewhat of a following. Why you people keep coming back I have no idea. But be that as it may, I’m appreciative, and I hope this “thing” continues to grow. As a matter of fact, you can help me out by adding this blog to your Technorati favorites by clicking HERE; if you're not signed up with Technorati, I suggest you do. Now if you haven’t figured it out by now, in spite of my name, I’m pretty personable. Unlike some bloggers out here I’m a pretty down to earth kinda guy; and I’m approachable. Nope, I'm not one of those asshole, “bow before me you mindless reader,” type people. Like I said, I'm a people person and I love the interaction.

I get emails all the time from people asking my opinion on various issues. And you know what? I love nothing more than to help a person solve their problems or issues, so I make it a point to always give them honest feedback or answers. Nothing says “I appreciate you reading my blog,” like honest answers and interaction with your readers. Unlike some of the attention starved individuals with internet accesses who call themselves bloggers. I think it’s a great thing to interact with your readers in a positive way. Certain bloggers aren’t proficient in the art of communication like myself; and that coupled with an overinflated ego induced by a few page hits never leads to anything productive.

But see, RiPPa is different; RiPPa loves the kids, and RiPPa cares. Yes I do, and with sage-like wisdom, I have a lot to share with the world and the people who email me seeking my thoughts and advice on various subjects.

Like these fine folks for example:

QUESTION: RiPPa, this is gonna sound like a joke, but I swear it's not. I'm an unattractive guy. About the only thing I have going for me is a huge penis. I can never get a woman to go home with me because of my looks. What should I do? I know once a woman gets home with me she'll be pleased. How do I let women know that I'm packing so she’ll give me the time of day so I can get laid?

Shabba Ranks?

ANSWER: Well dude, apparently you've been ugly for quite some time. The tone of your question suggests that you're content with your ugliness and you've given up on spending money on weight loss pills and acne medication. Good for you. When you reach a certain level of physical ineptitude Proactiv and Slim Fast won't help. The problem with most ugly people is that they refuse to accept it. You on the other hand have decided to embrace your reality and try to make the best of it.

On to solving your problem.

Hung like a horse but you look like a Gremlin. There's only one solution. Get rich. You see my friend, it's not the size of your tool that draws women in to ugly men; it's the size of their wallets. Even if you don’t have money, the Arab man in the mall has cheap costume jewelry that'll make you look like just about any rapper you've seen on MTV. This should trick the women into thinking you have money.

Every rapper needs a posse. Get more Black friends; they add validity to your rapper persona. And being Black yourself, get a white woman to walk in the club with you. Nothing says successful black man like having a white woman on your arm. If that doesn't work, then take 3 Viagra pills and walk around the club with your pants off. That'll get their attention for sure.

QUESTION: RiPPa, I have a question. Everybody I know here keeps getting a DWI. Whenever one person gets their case dismissed or found guilty, somebody else goes and gets one. After one friend of mine got his 3rd one, a friend of mine gets one, and once she gets hers dismissed, I get one, and then once I get mine dismissed, another friend of mine gets one. What's going on RiPPa? Are we partying too much?

Also RiPPa, what should we do about my friend with 3 DWIs, because the state gave him back his license and car, and right when he gets it, he almost got a 4th DWI but the cop let him go cause somebody offered to pick him up, and he was in a town one hour away. I know it's going to be hard now cause here in Texas, they have the new law where the cops can arrest you for being drunk in the bar.


ANSWER: HARD PARTIER! - DWI's can be a touchy subject. Numerous people are killed every year by idiots like you and your friends who chose to get intoxicated while driving. There's nothing wrong with partying, just do it responsibly. But I sense responsibility left your brain years ago, so go ahead and get stupid drunk in public. Much like the Olympics, the secret to keeping drinking entertaining is to change the venue. I suggest a shopping mall or Toys R Us. The four of you obviously have drunk yourselves under the table at bars, time to take things up a notch.

Getting drunk in public places will give you a great story to tell your friends. One that's much much better than “We got drunk in a bar.” So what? Everyone's been drunk in a bar before. But who's been drunk at 'Long John Silvers' on Kids eat free night? Not many. You could be a pioneer man. Have you ever gotten drunk in Wal-Mart on a Saturday morning and popped a porno movie into all the display televisions in electronics? Now THAT'S a story. It’s much more entertaining than “A cop let me go once.”

Have your lawyer subpoena the surveillance tape so that you can have a video memento of this event. Because TRUST ME, you will be arrested for this. But the important thing is that you'll be arrested long before you can make it to your car to drive home and danger sober motorists who don't deserve to die. A drunk driver is off the street, you’ve got a good story to tell, and the kids in electronics learn a valuable lesson about the dangers of tequila.

QUESTION: My girlfriend is always angry with me for leaving the toilet seat up. If a relationship is 50/50 and I put the toilet seat up, can't she put it back down? My girlfriend is one helluva nag how can I get her off my back about this?


ANSWER: Shit on the floor; and after you wipe leave the toilet tissue on the floor too. Turds on a floor have a tendency to take precedent over a toilet seat being up. The answer to most problems my friend is redirection. Similar to how if you're tending to a hurt finger but you accidentally bump your head. For just a little while your finger doesn't hurt because your bruised head becomes a new priority. Shit on the floor and give your girlfriend some new priorities.
I don't know if any of you saw yourselves in these questions. If you do, don't you feel much better and well equiped to tackle said problems? Sure you do. Of course you don't have to listen to me; I'm not a doctor, nor do I play one on television. But where else can you receive pearls of wisdom free of charge like this.

My advice is just that...advice. Honest advice but still, it's just advice. So if you're stupid enough to go out and do anything that guy you've never met told you to do then you deserve whatever is coming to you. But hey, if you ever feel like dropping me a line to help you sort out your woes, feel free to drop me a line HERE, or go ahead and ask in the comment section below.


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