It doesn’t seem like most of America is feeling the Hope anymore. Anyone could have predicted the fierce opposition that Obama has faced in office, and sadly he is on track to become a single-term mistake. How can Obama fix this? Well, in addition to the obvious need for progress on his campaign promises – health care, managing our two wars, and reviving the economy – Obama should reach for some low hanging fruit. If he does anything in his four years the least he can do is make things better for black folks, and frankly I think we should be getting more out of our first black president than the popularization of the fist-bump. A little bit could go a long way to fix the specific issues that black Americans face, so what Obama should do is form a Black Cabinet to address said issues. My suggestions…
Secretary of Straight Finances. America’s financial system is in ruins, but even if it’s fixed black folks will still be off-track. We’ve had the hardest time instilling economic preparedness in future generations and have consistently been targeted by everything from bad mortgage loans to the infamous check cashing spot. I’ve always found it suspicious that Russel Simmons’ “Rush Card,” the pre-paid credit card that makes sure black folks have access to plastic, shares its name with Rush Limbaugh, who so openly hates all colored races (yes, I realize that Russell goes by Rush but I maintain that “Pockets Phat” would have been a way better name). I’ve also noticed that those “Get Cash Now!” Cashpoint commercials have gotten increasingly aggressive with infectiously catchy jingles, even including a Justin Timberlake look-alike on one version. How can we resist that? Intervention is needed. Recommendation: Oprah Winfrey. Her money is ALWAYS straight and if she shouts it in that Oprah way financial advice like “INTEREST BEARING SAVING A-COOOOUNNNTS!” will never be mundane again.
Racial Rabble Rouser Ambassador. Working closely with the Secretary A’Splainin, this position will monitor the mainstream media and appoint special task force members to infiltrate the inner-workings of right wing television and radio so that the community as a whole will always be prepared with the proper response to race-baiting. Major news networks will no longer be allowed to ask D.L. Hughley for his opinion and call it “the black response,” nor will Steve Harvey with his multiple failed marriages be considered a relationship expert. For the rest of us, this means that we won’t have to waste time going back and forth with each other pretending to debate issues that we pretty much agree on already while hoping that common sense somehow rises to the forefront of mainstream discourse. Recommendation: Star Jones. Not only does she say what she really thinks, she’s a great listener and as a lawyer will be great at avoiding issues of slander.
Hood Comptroller. This is the only initiative that Obama has begun to tackle, just for all of the wrong reasons. Hood Comptroller will be responsible for the socioeconomic infrastructure of all urban areas. The number of Check Cashing establishments, Beauty Supply Stores, and Fried Chicken spots will be tightly controlled. It will be mandated that there is a certain tonnage of fresh food available within predetermined radius of said “hood,” and that there are environmentally friendly trash receptacles on each corner to reduce the free-floating trash – including flying bits of synthetic hair – that plagues our city streets. Hood Comptroller will also regulate the opening and closing of fire hydrants and a permit will be required to approach pedestrians to sell them perfume and body oils. Recommendation: Ghostface Killah. He loves the hood with all his heart. ‘Nuff said.
The Office of Oops Upside Ya’ Head. Sometimes people just need to be beaten or at the very least smacked upside the head. It’s well known that not beating children at least occasionally can lead an overblown sense of entitlement and general douchebaggery in adulthood. A large, black man walking up to a younger, foolish black man and just smacking him upside the head and saying “Man, what the hell is wrong with you!?” could work wonders on so many people, but not all of us are fortunate enough to have such forces in our lives. I suggest that Obama appoint an advisor to regulate and deploy a team of stern-faced grown men who will glare our community back into shape. Recommendation: Bill Duke or any character he has played. He does not play around.
