MY BIRTHDAY: ONCE IN A LIFETIME

Isn't it funny how we try to stay young, but feel a stronger sense of entitlement as we get older? I don't know about you, but I'm looking forward to being able to order from the old people menus as I age. The food might look crappy, but hey, its cheap. Thats right, being a senior citizen has its advantages. Trust me, I'm now officially 38yrs old today, so I know. To all the people that thought about me on my birthday...thanks. To all the people that didn't...I'm sure there's a good reason or two out there, somewhere. It's allgood though; I still got love for you.

As we get older, we take the time to reflect on our lives. We focus on the past. We focus on the future. But do we ever actually THINK, about the shit that goes down on our birthday? Well I do! I hate when it's your birthday and someone says "How does it feel to be a certain age? How does it feel to be 38 today? It feels the same exact way it did yesterday when I was 37. The only time it should be allowed to ask someone how it feels to be a certain age is when they turn 100.

"Patrick, how does it feel to be 100? You're still alive."

Why do we always allow the birthday boy/girl to blow out the candles? Is that really what you want? Another human being breathing all over the cake you're about to eat?!! Do we really want a human being blowing as hard as they can with spit particles flying all over your food? Would you eat a steak if I blew on it as hard as I could?!? How about we cut the cake first and you just blow out the candles on the piece you're going to eat. The last thing I want to do is get the flu because I decided to celebrate your birthday.

And can we stop singing happy birthday? That song is so played out and impersonal; especially when its sung by strangers in a resturant; that shit irks me when I'm trynna enjoy my meal. People just sing it because they have to. Not because we wake up in the morning saying "Wow it's so and so's birthday. I can't wait to sing them Happy Birthday." If you want to sing happy birthday to me, show me you care. I want to see you hit some octaves like Whitney Houston in "I will always Love you." And stop renting halls to throw surprise birthday parties. Unless you are 13, 16, 50 or a 100 this is totally unacceptable. I shouldn't be obligated to go to your wedding type of affair because you turned 32. If you want to get together at a bar for some drinks that's fine, but I shouldn't have to wear a suit and get driven in a limo to have a Coors Lite with you.

Don't get me wrong, I am all for a celebration. In fact, I love to party. (Did I just say "I love to party?" That sounded gay.) I just feel that people take their birthday's way too seriously. The day your birthday arrives you should feel special but just remember that everyone eventually has a birthday. So all this means is that you are average.

Congratulations!

By the way, my birthday is on August 12th....EVERY YEAR!! I expect money or nice expensive gifts from everyone who reads this.

Does anyone want to throw me a surprise party?