JOHN McCAIN: SHORT ARMS WITH DEEP POCKETS

Well John Boy, there's less than a week before Americans cast their votes. From the looks of it, you're getting your ass handed to you. Which really makes me question the whole "we got 'em right where we want 'em" bullshit statement you made last week. What's up with that?

You love getting your ass kicked? Are you the oldest member of "Fight Club" who just happens to like getting beat up by black men? Trust me John, I know some white people who get off on stuff like that. If you are, I gotta give you credit for not carving a "B" in your face. I mean, I know you're a war hero and you've been through way much more torture than the thought of having a black man beat you. But lets be honest John Boy, with this loss, you'll be 0-3 in the bid to become president. And as you continuously say on the campaign trail...you have the scars to prove it.

Yeah, I know, this was supposed to be your year; hell all your republican opponents all but gave up their bids so you were the man. But you never counted on the Black guy being able to raise as much money now did you. Yeah, there was no way in hell that the Black guy would have been a problem for you. You underestimated him. Not shocking actually, its the same thing your beloved military did when they went into Vietnam, and more recently, that place in the middle east that will soon be beach front property once they pull out.

But like a good military strategist, you needed a surge to win. So what did you do? You decided against your own idea to run an admirable, and clean campaign. You resorted to having to appeal to the idiots who support you instead of the intellectuals who have now abandoned you. And look at you now. Your divisive motivated campaign tactics have backfired on you. Now there's beef between you the war hero, and the airhead beauty queen you have as a running mate. Sorry John Boy, but thats not a good look at this stage in the game. It sends a bad message to your supporters and frankly, to the rest of the world. Oh you don't think the world is watching? Well they are, and you don't look too good in their eyes.

So now you're relegated to having to defend states that were Bush strongholds. Not a bad strategy, but its a shame that this is what you're about right now. You're the white guy John, and you should be way ahead. But instead, you're falling behind daily, and falling behind pretty badly. The way I see it John, its not too late for you to pull an upset. If you do, it would restore the faith the American people may have ever had in you. Lets be honest, they look to you as the defender of Americanism, and as a champion in the fight to keep the black man down. Its just too bad for you that you guys haven't been able to dig up that elusive Barack Obama sex tape with Paris Hilton since he's a celebrity and all.

So John, here we are, the two minute warning has already been sounded, and yes, its the fourth quarter. For any inexperienced team, this would have the makings of a disaster. But not you John. You've been here before remember? Instead of running around from state to state like a chicken with its head cut off. What you need to do is simple. You need to start kissing Black babies John. Yes you do. And you need to be sure that there's plenty of photographers around when you do. Hell, you could even do it in front of Joe The Plumbers house even. Trust me, kissing Black babies would make you look less like the grumpy ol' troll who lives under the bridge. You'll be more likable. Kinda like the guy we saw at that benefit in New York cracking jokes recently.

I'm not saying that kissing Black babies are gonna win you black votes at this stage of the game. Hell no, its too late for that son! It will however help you after you lose. When you become the laughing stock of all white America for losing to the Black guy after invoking racial hate into your campaign, you can always say that you at least took the opportunity to kiss some Black babies. And for that, even in your loss, you'll more than likely receive your reward in heaven. Just ask those evangelicals on the right who support you. They'll tell you that I'm right.

Goodnight John Boy.