Friday, October 22, 2010

Complete Idiot's Guide to "Friends with Benefits", Booty Calls & One Night Stands [NSFW]

By Joanna (JuJuBe)

“I like a woman with two arms, two legs and a pussy. And the arms and legs are optional.” Yes, I actually had a man give me this response when I asked him what type of woman he was typically attracted to. I never forgot that comment, because even though I was unable all through high school to find "boyfriend", while in college I realized that if you are a woman, getting laid is one of the easiest things in the world. Now, finding "love" is a whole other story, but getting laid? Anyone can do it!

Doesn’t matter if you are tall or short, skinny or fat, old or young. SOMEONE out there WILL fuck you. More than one someone, actually. Getting laid is one of the easiest tasks a woman can pursue. But for some reason, women have been convinced by societal standards that casual sex, while so easy to obtain, is somehow OK if you have a penis, but evil and wrong if you have a vagina. I simply am not buying it.

See, as I have discussed before, I am involved with a man who is currently incarcerated, and who may not be getting out. But the thing is, while my heart may be with him, my body (I was going to say my pussy, but that just seems so uncouth) still has certain needs. So, my man and I have an understanding. Sex with other men is OK, as long as there is not intimacy involved. (Side note: While sex with other men is acceptable behavior, he does draw the line at me eating pork. Go figure.)

So, here are my basic rules for individuals interested in sex simply for the sake of having sex.

1) First and foremost: PROTECT YOURSELF! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE keep a supply of condoms on hand at all times. The goal of casual sex is to get off, not to get a disease.

2) No kissing! Kissing is one of the most intimate acts. Once you start adding kissing to the repertoire, casual sex becomes something a lot more emotional. For some reason it is a lot easier to distance yourself when the pertinent action is focused on your nether regions.

3) No phone calls just to chat. Call your “friend with benefits” when you need some sexual satisfaction. Do not call to talk about your feelings. Do not get into long conversation about your hopes, dreams and goals in life. That sort of thing creates a bond that goes beyond the physical, it is confusing and can bring about unwanted feelings of *GULP* love.

4) Men, please do not ask the question “Whose is it?” while you are with a casual fuck buddy. You may not like the answer. Likewise, ladies do not ask men if it is the tightest or the wettest. Again, you might be disappointed with the response you get.

5) Ladies, do not promise to refrain from sex with other men. Even if your casual sex partner IS the only person you are fucking, do not let HIM know that. That just makes him feel like he has power over you and that you are his property. Now, I do not advise talking to him about the other men you are sexing, but do not make a commitment to be “faithful” to a man who you are only casually involved with.

6) No asking your booty call to come over for dinner or to watch a movie if you are not planning on giving him some ass before the night is over. Dinner and a movie is a date. It is all well and good if you are in a long term relationship to get together just for the sake of spending time with each other. But if this is a relationship based purely on sex, expect to get laid before the night is through. Call your gay best friend if you want some companionship while you are on your period.

7) Men, do not spend half the night asking your fling to swallow or to have anal sex. Most women reserve special services like that for someone they love. If she does it voluntarily, you are a lucky man. But do not beg for it. It is really annoying, and I know for me, it will not get you an invitation back into my bed.

8) If you meet someone purely for the sake of having sex, do not have any expectations as to whether or not you will see them again. Do not get hurt if what you were hoping would be a steady “friend with benefits” ends up being just a one night stand. Do not think that it has to do with how good the sex was. Not everyone is capable of separating sex from intimacy, so some may avoid repeat encounters out of fear of things turning in a more serious direction.

9) Be sure to shower, brush your teeth, apply deodorant and some sort of perfume or cologne immediately before a casual sexual encounter. While someone who loves you may be familiar with and even Ok with your unique scent, a fuck buddy does not want to smell anything but soap, shampoo and body spray. And if you find a man who tells you NOT to shower before he comes over, run in the opposite direction, unless you are freaky like that.

10) Do it doggy style... that way you don't have to gaze lovingly into each others eyes, in fact, for the ladies, you can just imagine it is Idris Elba (or whoever else your fantasy man is) behind you!! And for the men, shit, just enjoy watching her ass bounce.

11) Men, do not repeatedly ask your partner stupid questions like "Did you cum?" If you can't tell whether or not your partner came, she probably didn't. If you keep asking, she is going to be tempted to fake it just to shut you up. Just shut the fuck up and keep doing your thing. (Sexy talk is one thing, asking annoying questions and expecting an answer is a whole other story)!"

12) If you have allergies, find out if your partner has pets, and if so take a Benadryl BEFORE you get to their crib. There is nothing more unsexy than sneezing and boogers running out your nose

13) The most important rule of casual sex is DO NOT EXPECT IT TO TURN INTO SOMETHING MORE!!! That is not to say it can never happen, but DO NOT jump into bed with a person and expect that they are going to fall in love with you if you really put it on them. Just enjoy the physical sensations.

14) Oh, and the last one is my own personal rule.... if you are coming to see me, bring me some trees to put me in the mood and some Newports for when we are done! If you are really opposed to smoking, hook me up with a cheddar and maple sausage sandwich from the Dunkin Donuts around the corner. Just don't tell my boo I was eating swine.

Those are MY rules for casual sexual encounters. There are a million websites where you can find individuals looking for sex without intimacy or commitment. Granted, it is a lot easier for women to find sex partners that way than for men, but if you are diligent about looking, you can always find someone who enjoys the same sort of sex you do, and who is interested in a casual encounter.

Now, what are YOUR booty call rules??


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