I am constantly seeking love and acceptance. I want to feel like someone sees me as an important person, even if only for a few hours. Which could possibly be why I seem to be so intent on participating in sexual activity so damn much!
I actually told a friend the other day that I wish I had someone who would touch me, caress me, kiss me and love me. And after I said I wanted someone to love me I added "or at least pretend they do". On other occasions when I have spoken about wanting to feel loved, I have added "at least for a few hours".
It seems I am seeking something, a way to fill a void in my life. And, unfortunately, sex often seems to be the best remedy for my empty feelings.
Which wouldn't be so bad if I actually had a steady partner. Instead, I end up allowing a random series of men into my life, into my home, indeed, into my BODY hoping to fill the void. Yes, I am satisfied for a short while, but eventually that feeling of perpetual loneliness returns, and I find myself right back on line seeking my next "fix".
I have always wondered if I was a sex addict. Those questionnaires that are supposed to help you determine the answer are pretty useless. According to some of them, everyone and his uncle is an addict when it comes to sex. But, I do see a lot of "issues" surrounding sex in my life.
1. I feel like I have to keep up to a certain standard regarding the frequency of sex in order to be a "real woman".
2. When I am emotionally stressed, my first thought to relieve the pain I am feeling is to have sex with a random man. (I used to turn to cutting before anything else, but sex is a more enjoyable way to reach the same results.)
3. I go through periods when I am stimulated only by the thought of being controlled, dominated, and yes, even humiliated during sex.
4. I cannot have a straight male friend without wanting to sleep with him to "prove" my desirability.
5. I become angry and frustrated when someone turns me down sexually.
6. I try to sleep with men who already have women to feel like I am "special" enough for them to risk ruining their relationships.
7. I have ruined friendships in the pursuit of sexual or emotional gratification from a man.
8. And, one that I NEVER thought I would do... I have cheated! (All through my dating life, I prided myself on having always been faithful, and I threw that away a few months ago.
9. I have a problem with self satisfaction (though I enjoyed it when I was younger) because I feel like a desirable woman does not need to resort to masturbation.
10. I have put my personal safety on the line time and time again by bringing strange men into my home, and by not practicing safe sex.
11. I have spent countless hours looking at porn on the internet, or having "cyber sex"
So, now you see me. I am letting it all hang out. Part of me desires a long lasting, truly committed relationship, but another part is constantly seeking the stimulation of a new encounter. I always try to say "I am a good woman" or "I would make a good girlfriend/wife" but at this point, I do not know if I believe all of that.
Part of me feels like I need to pursue emotionally unfulfilling sexual experiences to keep from being hurt. I am afraid to REALLY TRULY give myself over to another human being, because the last time I did that, I got hurt. So, sex is the next best thing to intimacy.
And yes, I realize that I have really been exposing myself in a very personal way in these love/sex oriented posts. To some, it may seem strange to reveal what many look at as dysfunction or pathology to the world. But honestly, I believe expressing myself in written form and getting feedback from people I do not have to see face to face is better for me than any therapy I have ever received. So I appreciate all of the comments, both critical and supportive.