ABORTION: WHERE DO YOU STAND?

Some people think that Black people are stupid for their unanimous support of the Democratic Party as opposed to the Republican Party. This is an ongoing debate for which I'll be blogging about real soon. Voting is not a stupid thing. Its actually our civic duty. And if you consider yourself a patriot, then its in your best interest to cast your vote in the upcoming presidential elections.

Now, whats stupid is the reasons people have for their choice in candidate, or even the political ideology they choose to identify with. I say its stupid, but hey, people wanna be a part of something, and that's why they identify themselves with certain voting blocks, or groups. Personal choice is one thing, but when you choose to identify with certain groups, and be influenced by them in your voting decision, I think you're foolish, and clearly unable to think for yourself.

Like evangelicals for example. These people are supposed to be the moral compass of our society because they have box seats in heaven. People like this always try and influence the ballot with their issues. In 2004, it was gay marriages, and from the looks of it, this year its gonna abortion. Well I don't know, but I don't think the reason gas was almost $5 per gallon was because of all the women who exercised their right by law to abort a pregnancy. With the appointment of three new Supreme Court justices by the next administration this is slowly becoming an issue for hard line social conservatives, and Evangelicals.

For many, this is why they find favor with the McCain-Palin GOP ticket. Not that its not an important issue for women to have the right to abort a pregnancy. But is this the sole issue that should serve as a deal breaker when casting your vote? Though an important issue for debate, I don't think it should even be in the top five of concerns, or issues facing the American public today. But don't tell that to evangelicals. To them its a very important issue as they for the most part advocate the right to life. But they're so stupid, that they're prepared to cast a vote for McCain because he's pro-life. Sure, give him your vote because he all about saving babies. Yup, the same guy who is all about going to war, or chasing Bin Laden to Hell as he put it. Lemme guess, innocent people don't get killed in war? Even more ignorant, is the fact that some people are pro-life and support the death penalty. If you're one of those people, and you feel up to it, please explain in your comments how you came to that decision. I guess that would explain all those hypocritical people who chose to bomb abortion clinics in protest back in the 90's.

Last week in a U.S. attack over in Afghanistan, they killed 90 people. Of whom, 60 of them were children. The U.S. Gov't refuses to acknowledge the death count, but the U.N. investigation sure has shed some light on it. Woo hoo for those pro-lifers who support McCain! But like I said, Evangelicals are stupid. You'd think that by believing in Jesus, and his ability to provide for them, that they wouldn't even care about what the gov't does. Or what other people do for that matter. But then again, its their job to gain as many souls as they can to have that big bash in heaven when its all said and done.

So they make gay marriages and abortion the real issue in America. Never-mind the economy, the mortgage crisis, unemployment, or that Maury Povich is still doing paternity shows. That shit isn't important; Jesus is the answer. Whats important is what women do with their bodies or their vagina. Well I got a message for you Evangelical, bible thumping, anti abortion women: Just because John McCain has added a vagina to his ticket, doesn't mean that he cares about yours. Personally, for the record, I think abortion is as much a personal choice, as a woman choosing breast implants, or breast reduction. In my opinion, I do not think that it should even be a legal issue.

Whats your take on the abortion issue?

JOHN McCAIN: GREAT JUDGEMENT THERE BUDDY!

You know how it feels to go to a party and see someone else with the same outfit you're wearing? I don't know about the fellas reading this, but I'm sure the ladies can feel me. When you see something like that, you feel sorta funny, sorta embarrassed. I know that's how I feel or have felt before when placed in a similar situation. Well, that's how I'm looking at John McCain's pick for a Vice Presidential running-mate.

I mean the guy got his ass knocked the fuck out like "Debo" did "Red" in the movie Friday from Obama's speech at the DNC. And this is what he comes up with in his announcement for VP? A woman who has only been govenor since 2006?? Not being sexist, or suggesting that a woman cannot run this country. That's not the issue. But hey, I don't expect my 10mth old daughter to start doing brain surgery in 6 months time either.

The funny thing about this, is that for the last month or so, he, John McCain has questioned Obama's experience. He has also questioned his judgement. But yet, this is his big announcement he had lemmings...oops...I meant republicans waiting for overnight. Questioning a resume or voting history is one thing, but to tie that in with his (Obama's) experience is another. Its like two virgins who've never seen any parts of the pussy arguing about who is best to have sex with a prostitute. Yes America is like a prostitute, and we the people have been taking it up the ass for quite some time now. Yep, for the last 8yrs to be exact.

And here comes John McCain to save the day, or at least sell us whores on the idea that he can be the best pimp. What's sad, is that there are millions of people who see this as a good choice in VP. Lord forbid that McCain wins. Lord forbid that he has a stroke the day after the inauguration after a night of drunken sex from his very wealthy wife who owns him. Lord forbid that would happen. If it does, we the people will be stuck with the re-incarnation of the "Church Lady" from "Saturday Night Live" to run this country.

Really Mr. McCain? Is that the best you can do? Clearly he's punch drunk if he thinks he now posses the "dream ticket". I really hate to think that him and his crew believe that by putting this woman on the ticket, that they're gonna attract all those "disgruntled" Hillary Clinton supporters. Hopefully grandpa Moses is smarter than that because Sarah Palin is no Hillary Clinton. She's a white woman like her, but she doesn't have the draw like our former first lady. If ya ask me, McCain and his team smoked those 18 million pieces of crack that fell from the glass ceiling that is women in politics. Hopefully she doesn't start wearing pants suits next week.

But suddenly, John McCain, Mr. Tough Guy, is viewed as a man who has championed the rights of women or their causes. The guy voted to have legislature make insurance companies cover Viagra, and not Birth Control for women. Hmmmm? Sounds kinda sexist to me, but what do I know. After all, he is a pro-lifer. Why else would he NOT want women to receive coverage for birth control pills, but allow men to have coverage for Viagra. But then again, he's 97yrs old and still has to keep his little shriveled up pecker erect. If I were a woman, I'd be insulted by this man and his attempt to be a reformed chauvinist pig.

Checkout the "Straight Talk Express" at work....

HANGIN OUT WITH DEMOCRATS IN DENVER

Ok, so I've been away for a while; a week to be exact. So where have I been? I went to Denver to the DNC. Yup thats right. What? Did you think that I, the Happy Negro, was gonna miss that event?? It was off the hook up there. it was a city full of political energy. And I've returned to you folks even more inspired than ever, and with alotta shit to talk about.

I was hoping to blog from the event, but due to unforeseen circumstances, I was unable to. Yup, they locked me up y'all. Ain't that some shit? They locked me up at one of the most historic events in Black history, or more specifically, American history. Truthfully, thats the reason I even went; I'm not even a democrat nor am I a republican. But, I guess the police in Denver hasn't seen it as such by locking up protesters the way they have this week.

You guys know I've been outspoken on this forum, and my attendance at the DNC, could only serve similarly to address some of the issues of the day. There were hundreds of people like myself who used the opportunity for civil protest who were arrested like me. People who used the opportunity to stand up, and be the voices of Americans. As some of you were dazzled by the eloquent speeches, people like me, where on the outside fighting the system which was beautiful. It was beautiful because thats what America is about...

FREEDOM!

Just like all the people protesting the war in Iraq, and Afghanistan, I too was free to protest. I too, was free to protest the lack of fried chicken in Denver. Yeah, I know its in Colorado where the Rocky Mountains lie. Its also the home of Coors beer and not Old English Eight Hundred. But you'd think that with thousands of Black people coming to town for the week, they'd have more fried chicken. I mean hell, the convention had many cooperate sponsors. You think they could at least had Popeye's or KFC represent the way AT&T did. AT&T shelled out big dollars to have their names plastered everywhere, and the democrats allowed it. The least they could have did with Obama being the first Black nominee is to have fried chicken.

Oh well, so much for Corporate America not having an influence in politics. I guess at the end of the day corporations are as American as baseball, apple pie, and politics, and thats something that not even Barack Obama can change.

JEHOVA WITNESSES, STAR TREK & ISAAC HAYES

Onetime my boss overheard a conversation I was having with another employee about religion. My boss is a devout Jehovah witness. Though he never spoke about it at the office, I figured it was a matter of time before he gave me the "ol sales pitch". He asked me about my religion. Of course I told him I was Catholic... or at least christened in a catholic church; hell its been a long ass time since I've been to mass. He was even surprised to hear that at one point in time I was an ALTAR BOY. I know what your thinking..."aint no way"...well yeah I was for years. It was the coolest thing in my opinion. Hell it was like performing on stage every weekend. Truth is, I did it for the chicks. There's something powerful about being dressed in a gown and helping "the man" serve communion to a chick you wanna bang.

I haven't read the bible in a while. I've read certain parts of it, but not enough to have a 'Bible Scripture War' with someone and back up my view points of the world with corresponding Bible quotes. Rather than read the Bible in one sitting, I'd much rather go to a church where there's a man who reads the Bible every day and serves up his own interpretations.

When you think about it, that's all religious harmony is. A group of people who agree on one set of religious principles getting together with other people who believe the same principals. Across the board this is the one foundation for peaceful group worship; whether it's Christianity, Devil Worship, Jehovah's Witnesses, or those annoying Star Trek and Star Wars people who go to conventions dressed as their favorite characters .

We laugh at these idiot "Trekies", you know why? Because we don't agree with them. You don't agree with them dressing up in Starship Outfits. But hey, for as long as people wearing Star Trek Outfits are chillin with other people wearing Star Trek outfits then It's fine by me. It's a healthy outlet.

If you don't agree with someone's style of worship there's only a few things you can do anyway... you can

A) Leave them be and Accept the fact that they're different and respect their beliefs.
B) Tell them that their religion is wrong and politely attempt to sell them on your religion.
C) Declare a Holy War and throw rocks at their tanks.

or...

D) Leave them Be and Laugh Hysterically.

I'm still trynna figure out this whole "religion" thing. Not sure if I ever will. But hey at least I know I can go to a STAR TREK convention and nobody would care. Isaac Hayes, was a well known scientologist, and he died last week. Nothing funny about that because we're all gonna die eventually. Whats funny, is that they had his memorial service at a Christian church. It just goes to show that once you're dead, you really have no control, and nobody gives two shits about your beliefs. Well, either that, or in his case, there wasn't a Star Trek convention near by, or in Memphis for the week.

My boss told me that ther isn't any racism within the Jehovah Witnesses. I guess he thought I was gonna buy that. I don't think he found it funny when I asked if they had a Jehova Witness protection program.

IS THERE A DOCTOR IN THE HOUSE?

I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that alot of the problems we see as it applies to the black people in America stems from a lack of education, or educational funding. I think this is not an issue of race or racial bias, as it applies to anyone who has not received a proper education, but more so one about classism. But, with this first day of school boycott in Chicago and all, I decided to look into this as it affects the race. I was also motivated to do this after a conversation I had with my younger brother, who is currently in medical school. This past weekend, I asked him about the numbers of black students he encounters while doing his clinical rotations at the hospital. He told me that there were not that many. Matter of fact, he said that in his group, there are 3 black students including himself, with 2 being from Jamaica, and Haiti.

I asked him his opinion as to how come more black kids aren't becoming doctors. In his opinion, he thinks that black kids are more concerned with the bling and getting it all now, and not thinking long term. I thought his answer was quite cynical, but I felt that there could possibly be some truth to it. Upon investigation, I found out that only 4% of the doctors in this country are black. Now remember, black people account for 14% of the population as a whole, so you can see how startling the numbers are. I hate to admit that my brother is right, so I had to look into this from another angle. I decided to go back to where this all starts; the public school system.

Here's what I found in my research....

According to the National Center for Education Statistics, as of 1994, 17-year-old black students are 3.4 years behind 17-year-old white students in mathematics, 5.4 years behind in science, and 3.9 years behind in reading. As of 1998, the average black child attends school in a district that spends as much money per student as the average white child's district. As of 1999, 7% of black children in public schools score higher than the national average on standardized tests.

Then I found this information....

A study published in 1999 compared the math scores of black students in public schools and Catholic schools in Washington, DC. The study controlled for factors which included the education of child's mother, the child's family status (one or two parents in the home), the availability of reading materials in the home, and the median income of the neighborhood in which the child lived. The study used data from 1996.

The results are as follows: The average black eighth-grade student who attends Catholic school has math scores better than 72% of comparable students in public schools. The effect of attending a Catholic school has a greater positive effect on mathematics achievement than the effect of reducing the student to teacher ratio from 25:1 to 15:1. The effect of attending a Catholic school has a greater positive effect on mathematics achievement than the effect of a student's mother having some college education. The effect of attending a Catholic school has a greater positive effect on mathematics achievement than the effect of living in a two-parent family.

So as you can see, its easy to conclude that the problem lies in the public school system. The upcoming boycott in Chicago is in protest of the underfunding of public schools in the city. If only it were possible for us all to be able to afford for private schools. If we were able to, things would probably be better. As a matter of fact, I'd suppport a gov't program (be it federal or state) that offers more vouchers for education. We'd probably have more black doctors, scientists, astronauts and such. I don't know about you guys, but maybe Obama's faith based initiative isn't a bad idea. Spending $500 million a year in summer learning programs to decrease the educational gap between the poor and wealthy is a good move.

But what are our kids to do? We live in a society, where we idolize and make the professional athlete a God. We sit in our homes, and "wow" at these guys on MTV Cribs when they showoff their extravagant homes. Before "Cribs" it was that fat guy on "The Lifestyles Of The Rich And Famous". Look at professional sports, most of them are dominated by black athletes. And yet we champoin the advances of black people in this arena. Barry Bonds breaks the homerun record and he becomes a hero. While most of our black kids don't even know about acheiving using their heads. I'd hate to think that The Notorious B.I.G. was right when he said "the ghetto is a short stop, the only way to make it out, is if you sling crack rock, or have a wicked jumpshot." But, his reality, tho not far from the truth, is pretty sad.

And who are we to blame for this? We can't blame the white man. Hell, through affirmative action they've been trying for years, to increase the number of black doctors. For every 100,000 black people, there are 73 doctors. That just shows that we do a great job at rearing kids who are physically superior rather than intellectually to make that phat paycheck and buy momma a house (its really no different than slavery, except for the fact that momma wasn't gettin any new house back on the plantation).

I'm willing to bet that you probably didn't know that Cuba...

yes Fidel Castro...

offers a scholarship for black kids graduating high school to attend medical school in Cuba...FOR FREE.

Yeah, its exclusive for black kids and he foots the bill. And you probably think that Cuba is backwards as hell when it comes to medicine....wrong!! Look it up for yourself if you don't believe me.

What we have done in effect, is accepted the dumbing down of our kids. We only encourage them to do only so much, to get that athletic scholarship. Or applaud the fact that they finished high school like its a MAJOR accomplishment. But hey, maybe it is since the rate of graduation for black kids sits at around 50%. I know back in the days it was against the law to teach a slave to read, but damn, why must we still act like we're still picking cotton? Oh well, at least they're more black doctors on TV than I'll ever encounter in real life. Hell, white people are smarter anyway.

I'm done for now...

The Dream Team is about to play on TV at the Olympics.

DELIVERANCE: TIPS FOR THE SURVIVAL OF THE WHITE RACE

A week ago when I watched the opening ceremony of the olympics, I was a little bit intimidated. When all those chinese faces, were on my TV screen, it kinda freaked me out. There was not one black face, and it was then I remembered that there are 1.3 billion chinese people in china. That's a 1/3rd of the worlds population. That means if they wanted to make a move on us here in the US, we'd be fucked. I don't care how much you think "we're the best in the world." Trust me, we don't want it with the chinese; they'll fuck us up if we went to war. Besides, they're kicking our ass in Gold Medals at the olympics this year.

I guess that's the way white people felt after hearing the news last week. There was a news release which revealed that by the year 2042, whites would no longer be the racial majority here in the US. If I were white, upon hearing this, I'd probably be afraid. I'd probably go out and get the best of my white entitlement while I can. Lets be real, 2042 is gonna get here real fast, and you don't wanna be lord forbid, a white person being held down by those colored folks after all those years of racial inequality.

Suddenly as a white person, I'd have to depend on Affirmative Action to get jobs. The same Affirmative Action that some of you now have thought to be racist when they were the majority. I don't know about you, but just the thought of that makes me giggle. I sincerely hope that I'm alive to see this happen in America. I'd like to be around to write blogs about white on white crime, dead beat white daddies, welfare white mommas, and most importantly, the ongoing increased incarceration of white men. I promise you, that stuff would make for good TV. You know, kinda like the same way the cooning associated with blacks are in the mainstream media right now. Lord knows, we need to see more white men on the Maury Povich Show.

When you really think about it, if this shit happens, its gonna change the game alot. Not saying that racism would be erased; our nation is en-grained with centuries of racism and there's no way its just gonna go away even then once whites are the minority. But I doubt you'd see whites lynched and hanging from trees, a march on Washington for equality, or maybe even the NAAWP. But they may have the Suburban League, or the KKK may be forced to change their name to the White Panthers to fight racial injustice. Whats scary, is the fact that by white people being a minority, they'll be able to have a legitimate claim on Hip Hop culture. Nobody would be able to tell their story better than them. That would be fucked up because by then, if you're a black rapper, you'll be considered a wannabe.

Don't worry white people, per the study, there'll be less black people than whites. You guys won't have to worry about black people getting their revenge for all the years of the dominance of white supremacy. Nope, never that. However, you guys have to worry about all those hispanics who you've tried to keep out over the last few years. They're the ones most likely to have you folks reduced to having to sell oranges under the freeway, working in meat packing plants, or maybe even picking cotton in rural Mississippi. Don't worry about us blacks. We're gonna continue killing each other, and perpetuating that self hate you've so effectively have trained us to do. We'll still be us, but you won't be "you".

If I were you guys, I'd start fucking without condoms, and having more babies. Do like us and have them out of wedlock. Take chances with AIDS/HIV infections all in an attempt to keep hope alive for your survival. Black people do it now, so why can't you. Hell, I'd probably even make amends with Mexicans. Fuck it, build them a huge theme park in Mexico, and give them clean water, so they'll wanna stay or even go back home. That should probably buy you some time while you guys build that fence along the border. But then if you're really fearful of those hispanics. You can always start marrying and having kids with black women, and creating those hybrids. Nobody is marrying them right now anyway. Might as well be you. That way you guys can go back and change that one drop rule to conveniently protect yourselves. Its about time you guys stopped that hillbilly inbreeding thing anyway.

QUESTION: How do you feel about the projections for 2042? What significant changes would there be if any? Does the news leave you fearful or hopeful?

WHO SAID BLACK PEOPLE DON'T SWIM

I've been watching the olympics, and like most, I'm in awe of the accomplishments of Michael Phelps. Not only is he the greatest olympian ever, by virtue of winning the most gold medals of any athlete, I think he's part fish. Or maybe even the re-incarnation of Patrick Duffy as "Man From Atlantis". With the resurgence of the comic book hero movies, I think he should be a shoe in for the role of "Aqua Man" in the near future.

I'm not a big fan of the swim US swim team. I'll be honest, I'm only watching them as I wait for the negro portion of the olympics. No, I'm not referring to Basketball. But rather, the track and field portion of the games. You know, the part where the white dudes always lose? Yeah, that's the stuff I love watching, but swimming is cool for now. Its either that, or watch those 6yr old Chinese female gymnasts destroy their American opponents, or beach volleyball which should not be an olympic sport by the way. Whats next? Lazer tag?!!

I was excited, and pleasantly surprised to see a Black man on the olympic swimming team. His name is Cullen Jones in case you didn't know. Oh, and he was a part of the gold medal relay team. I say I was excited because as they have always said, "Black people don't swim." Well, I'm black, and I swim, but then again, I grew up partly in the caribbean unlike Blacks in America. As a kid, the beach was my swimming pool, and living on a small island, it was endless. No such luck for African Americans. I've been told that the reason they do not swim stems from the lack of swimming pools in the hood. This is debatable depending on who you talk to, but I think there's more to it than that. You see, I happen to think its a matter of genetics.

Huh?

Ok, think about the Olympics, and the lack of black male swimmers, as opposed to track and field athletes. Its obvious, that the black athlete excels outside of the water more so than the white athlete. If you think the scare of the Middle Passage has something to do with this, you're an idiot. The truth is, white men have smaller penises. By Black men having bigger penises, the problem of buoyancy, and drag becomes an issue. And I doubt whether they make a waterproof jock strap.

So while you're in awe of Michael Phelps and his accomplishments. Its important to remember that he has a smaller penis than Cullen Jones, and hence he's more successful as a swimmer for the US Olympic team. But if he had to run for his life (like most niggas in the hood) he'd be dead, or in jail, and definitely not a favorite to win the 100 meter heat.

"But what about the Black female swimmers RiPPa?"

"Yeah, they don't have penises!"

You're right, they don't.

The truth is: Black women just don't like getting their hair wet, especially after paying upwards of $200 just to get a damn weave. And swimming with a plastic Walmart bag on your head, I'm sure is against Olympic regulations.

Can you swim?

BREAKING NEWS: JOHN EDWARDS CHEATS WITH BLACK WOMAN

John Edwards recently confessed to cheating on his wife back in 2006. I think the release of this story exactly a week ago on a Friday, was by design. Its common knowledge that Friday is the day used to dump stories, as the news cycle is usually slow.

The former presidential candidate, admitted to having an affair, and has also claimed to divulge his misdeed to his wife. And now this has been receiving quite the run in the media, and the "other woman" stands to gain financially from all of the exposure. But what about the "other" woman he cheated with?

It has not been reported in the media, but we here at the Happy Negro News Network are in possesion of exclusive information, on the "other" woman John Edwards has cheated with. While everyone is wondering if he's fathered a child out of wedlock, its important to know about the other, "other" woman who happens to be black. If the white girl is gonna gain from this, its only right that the sister does as well. Her story must be told as well.

Check this out....

RUSSIA, FOREIGN POLICY & THE YING YANG TWINS

Ok, so it appears that the international community is pissed off at Russia right about now. Nobody gave a shit about Russia until they decided to "invade" Georgia last week. The last time anybody gave a damn about Russia was when Ivan Drago fought Rocky Balboa back in like, 1920. Or was that in the 80's? Oh well, I don't remember, but nobody has even really thought about them since that dude with the bird-shit stained forehead was their prime minister, and Ronald Reagan was the US president.

So now, everybody is pissed because they decided to drop some bombs on Georgia. Yeah, lil ole Georgia. Well you know what? I'm glad that they did it. I don't give a shit that they're allies of the United States, or the fact that they sent troops to help kill people in Iraq. Nah, fuck that! None of that means anything to me. Whats important to me, is the fact that Georgia is responsible for all the bullshit music we hear on the radio and in music videos, and hence, the debauchery associated with Black culture. Frankly, I'm sick of all the bullshit coming out of Georgia that I'm glad Russia decided to step up and put and end to the crap. Somebody had to do it.

I've never been to Georgia, but I think the place is over-rated. Maybe its just the inner New Yorker in me, but I don't care that Atlanta is a budding metropolis in the south. The way I see it, all of them are country as hell. You don't believe me? I think they still fly a confederate flag above the state capital. Like I said, I think they still do. I've never been to the place so I could be wrong. But I've heard of nothing but bad things about the ATL as its affectionately called. Black people who I've talked to who've been there always talk about it being a city of homosexuals, strip clubs and men and women with gold teeth. Hell, I've even been told that the white people there wear their hair braided, and sound like the Ying Yang Twins when they speak. Seriously, have you ever heard those guys speak outside of their stupid songs? I've seen them on BET once and it was embarrassing. And now for the last few years we've been tortured by a bunch of idiots claiming to be hip hop artists, all because of guys like that. I hate those clowns and I hope they feel the rath of the Kremlin.

I don't wanna get too deep and get death threats from some of you readers. But fuck it, some of the dumbing down we've been exposed to lately has come directly from Georgia. The US gov't hasn't done anything to change this, but thank God that the Russians are sick of the bullshit like I am. Lord knows, I don't want this conflict to drag on as long as the war in Iraq. But I hope it lasts long enough to at least interrupt another Soulja Boy album, or even Jermaine Dupri; I'd be damned if he gets to marry Janet Jackson. What? I'm just sayin?!! Georgia is where Genarlow Wilson got a bum rap, and went to prison. Its pretty messed up when your country is known for all types of sexual misogyny, and bullshit, and Tyler Perry has to become a cross-dresser to bring positive images of black people to the mainstream.

Last I heard, Bush sent Condoleeza Rice in to bring some diplomacy to the conflict. I'm not too happy about that, because she's black, just like most of the citizens of Georgia. But then again, she sure could use a good weave, and some fly gear like the "real sistas"....

Hmmm?

Maybe Georgia isn't too bad after all.

P.S. FREE MICHAEL VICK!!!!

MY BIRTHDAY: ONCE IN A LIFETIME

Isn't it funny how we try to stay young, but feel a stronger sense of entitlement as we get older? I don't know about you, but I'm looking forward to being able to order from the old people menus as I age. The food might look crappy, but hey, its cheap. Thats right, being a senior citizen has its advantages. Trust me, I'm now officially 38yrs old today, so I know. To all the people that thought about me on my birthday...thanks. To all the people that didn't...I'm sure there's a good reason or two out there, somewhere. It's allgood though; I still got love for you.

As we get older, we take the time to reflect on our lives. We focus on the past. We focus on the future. But do we ever actually THINK, about the shit that goes down on our birthday? Well I do! I hate when it's your birthday and someone says "How does it feel to be a certain age? How does it feel to be 38 today? It feels the same exact way it did yesterday when I was 37. The only time it should be allowed to ask someone how it feels to be a certain age is when they turn 100.

"Patrick, how does it feel to be 100? You're still alive."

Why do we always allow the birthday boy/girl to blow out the candles? Is that really what you want? Another human being breathing all over the cake you're about to eat?!! Do we really want a human being blowing as hard as they can with spit particles flying all over your food? Would you eat a steak if I blew on it as hard as I could?!? How about we cut the cake first and you just blow out the candles on the piece you're going to eat. The last thing I want to do is get the flu because I decided to celebrate your birthday.

And can we stop singing happy birthday? That song is so played out and impersonal; especially when its sung by strangers in a resturant; that shit irks me when I'm trynna enjoy my meal. People just sing it because they have to. Not because we wake up in the morning saying "Wow it's so and so's birthday. I can't wait to sing them Happy Birthday." If you want to sing happy birthday to me, show me you care. I want to see you hit some octaves like Whitney Houston in "I will always Love you." And stop renting halls to throw surprise birthday parties. Unless you are 13, 16, 50 or a 100 this is totally unacceptable. I shouldn't be obligated to go to your wedding type of affair because you turned 32. If you want to get together at a bar for some drinks that's fine, but I shouldn't have to wear a suit and get driven in a limo to have a Coors Lite with you.

Don't get me wrong, I am all for a celebration. In fact, I love to party. (Did I just say "I love to party?" That sounded gay.) I just feel that people take their birthday's way too seriously. The day your birthday arrives you should feel special but just remember that everyone eventually has a birthday. So all this means is that you are average.

Congratulations!

By the way, my birthday is on August 12th....EVERY YEAR!! I expect money or nice expensive gifts from everyone who reads this.

Does anyone want to throw me a surprise party?

WAKE UP TO LIFE PEOPLE

So by now you've had twenty cups of that horrible office coffee to get yourself going. You're mad because you really wanted to stop at Starbucks on the way to work today. But you have to settle for the coffee that tastes like Shug Avery's pee because you overslept. You didn't really oversleep, you just hit the snooze button about ten times this morning before getting out of bed. Yes my friends, its Monday! Its definitely not your favorite day of the week and you're already looking forward to the weekend ahead. Right now you probably wish you had a remote control, so you could fast forward to Friday. If only life was that easy....

*sigh*

Well my friends, life is that easy! And I'm here to show you just how. Some of you that are new to this page are probably unaware of the fact that I am a motivational speaker. I want you to keep that in mind for the future. Whenever you need someone to talk to about your problems in or with life -rather than kill yourself- I'm the guy that you need to speak to. As a matter of fact! Here's an excerpt which some of you people might find quite useful...

WAKE UP TO LIFE!

Hey!

Have you ever woken up one morning, and felt nothing but dread about the day ahead?

Well, I'm here to give you another wake-up call and to tell you to wake up. Wake up...to LIFE!

Yeah, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking "Gee, Patrick, that's a lot of waking up to do!" You bet your waking ass it is!

I'm gonna wake each and every one of you up. All the way up, no compromises. I'll not stop until you're all fully awake, and as far away from asleep as you can be.

Only when you're fully awake can YOU start to affect the BIG changes in YOUR life. No-one ever made any big changes by being asleep.

Do you think Thomas Edison invented the light-bulb while asleep?

Of course not. He was 100%, totally and completely AWAKE.

So, join me in my revolutionary new program, 'Wake Up To Life, Go To Sleep A Winner!', and I'll spend every waking moment waking you up.

WAKE UP!

So, you've woken up to life, at last?

Well done!

Now you're ready to move on to step two of my program - Stand Up And Be Standing!

It's all very well being awake, but being awake and horizontal will do you no favours at ALL. No-one got anywhere being awake and horizontal, apart from my first wife and prostitutes.

You're not a prostitute, are you?

Of course not.

So, it's time you took a stand, and say, "I'm not going to stand for all this not-standing any more! I'm going to make a stand, and stand up for what I believe in, which is standing up!"

Now, grab life by the shoulders, and haul yourself up out of the bed, until you are completely vertical. Not half-vertical, or leaning at an angle of 35 degrees. No: you've gotta be 100%, completely and utterly standing up vertically.

For more help with standing up, phone my hot-line now to order my book and DVD, 'Making a Stand And Taking A Chance'. Just dial 1 (800) PHILLIPS HELPLINE - RIGHT AWAY!

Okay, see you next time for the next stage of my award-winning program: 'Two Steps Forward, No Steps Back'.

Bye!

- Patrick Phillips.

Patrick Phillips is one of America's top motivational speakers and self-help gurus, who's clients have included US President George W Bush,renowned serial killer Ted Bundy, Ugandan dictator and mass-murderer Idi Amin and top movie star Corey Feldman. Phillips has also written many top-selling books, including 'Kick the Crap Out of Yourself', 'Finding Your Inner Child and Sending Him To Bed With No Supper' and 'Pulling Our Fingers Out of Our Souls'.

Hopefully this gets your day going and makes today the start of your best week ever! Listen, life is not hard people. Life is pretty darn easy! The trick is to wake up. Open your eyes and wake up! Life is only hard when you continuously sleepwalk. Have you ever gotten out of bed in the middle of the night to use the bathroom? Sure you have! Could you imagine who or what you would've peed on if you didn't open your eyes to see where you're going? Life is just like that folks. Its only hard when you pee on other people or even worse...yourself!

Open your eyes and WAKE UP TO LIFE!

Have a good week