A few days ago, and for the past few days, the media has been running the story about us not having a terrorist attack since 9/11. The thing that gets me, is that this success is being attributed to George Bush and his "war on terror". Yup, George Bush will go down in history for keeping America safe. And then today, I see a plane floating in a river in NYC?
So what does that have to do with Bush and him speaking so soon RiPPa?
Well its been reported that the plane was struck by Muslim terrorist Geese. Yup, the US Gov't wasn't counting on Al Queda and the rest of the crew to start recruiting birds. Uh huh, and because of the lack of intel, we now have 156 people who were on board who almost froze their asses to death in that cold water. Way to go keeping us safe Mr. Bush. Didn't that whole Bird Flu thing give you guys a clue? And on the coldest day of the winter too? Damn those birds were smart. Hell, if it wasn't for the local rescue teams, chances are hypothermia would have killed them before they even drowned.
Speaking of safety and flying, my stepmother works for United Airlines. She's been employed with them for a long ass time. At least 20yrs I think. Back in the day being that she was "mom" I had the ability to fly anywhere for free. Needless to say I've had my share of flying. I mean who wouldn't. When all you have to do is show up at the gate with your ID and your book of boarding passes...when you're bored you'll just go places. When I turned 21 it all ended. Yep no more free flights. I still get a discount but it ain't nothing like FREE.
I don't know why airlines don't already have parachutes as a safety precaution. The safety plan they have in place now is corny and an insult to my intelligence. Personally If I didn't have any luggage I'd rather airplanes give passengers the option of jumping out of the plane as it flies over the city on final approach. No more waiting 10-15 minutes to taxi to the gate, No more waiting at baggage claim, no more waiting for a taxi, rental car shuttle, or that drunken relative of yours that can't figure out which terminal to pick you up from. You simply lie asleep on the plane and then the flight attendant comes and wakes you up…
"Mr. Phillips it's time. We're approaching your drop zone thank you for flying United."
They give you a parachute and some goggles and minutes later you're landing safely at your house. The exception to this rule would have to be rainy/windy weather and nightime conditions. Unless you fly first class and they're willing to supply you with night vision goggles. And I'm guessing you'd have to exit out the rear of the plane so that you're clear of the engines. It'd suck for someone to jump out the side of the plane only to be sucked into one of the engines. I think I've given this too much thought.
Have you ever bothered to read the airline safety brochure? Or as I call it, 'Mad Magazine' because it's just as funny. They truly think the pictures are going to help you. Like the Oxygen mask picture? It instructs you to put your mask on first before assisting the child. Personally I think that if the cabin depressurizes, kids shouldn't get oxygen. The lack of oxygen will quiet their cries. If the plane is going down, the least I should be able to do is enjoy my pending death in silence and meditation. Can't even die in peace and quiet while praying to God…damn kids.
Speaking of kids, the diagrams also shows you how to use your seat cushion as a flotation device in the "unlikely event of a water landing". First of all, what the hell is a "Water landing" it's not a "water landing".
CRASHING INTO THE FUCKING OCEAN!!!
But they can't say that over the P-A because old people would freak out. Don't talk down to me. And don't insult my intelligence. Don't show me a picture of a lady floating in the ocean on a seat cushion SMILING!! When you look closely at this chick's face in the picture, she might not be smiling but she doesn't appear to be having a bad time in the ocean fully clothed with sharks swimming around. Does she look tormented and stressed out? Her hair's not even messed up. Where are the other people in the water? Where's the blood? Where's the dead bodies? Where's the plane debris? According to this picture a "water landing" is fun and groovy. In fact it's so much fun that you'll want to bring your infant with you. And for the record, If ever I'm in a water landing, I'm not using my seat cushion as a flotation device. Chances are I shit my pants during the crash. Why would I use that cushion? I shouldn't have to smell my own turds while waiting in the ocean for the Coast Guard.
Now, that we've decided that a water landing is fun….how do we get out of the plane to enjoy the waves? Ahhhhh the exit! The diagram in the safety brochure shows you all of the exits on the plane. One shows the plane one the ground the other shows the plane over the water. Ever notice anything funny about both of these pics? The plane is PERFECTLY intact. And let's not forget that the pic of the plane landing on water the plane if floating. When's the last time you saw an airplane crash over water and float perfectly? Thats with the exeption of today of course. Don't insult my intelligence United. When was the last time you saw a plane crash on CNN and the plane was PERFECT and FLOATING?!
And NO I'm not helping anyone get off the plane once I get off. Every time I sit in an exit row the flight attendant comes over and tries to deputize me into helping people. Hey lady, I'm not getting paid to be on this plane, you are. I paid $92 to ride this plane one-way from Memphis to New York. I'm not risking getting burned up for another coach class turd. The best anyone will get from me for $92 is...
"FOLLOW ME YOU BROKE MOTHERFUCKERS!!!! WE JUST CRASHED!!
That's it. I'm not even saying it twice. I'm not helping. What are you going to do to me if I don't help other passengers? Ban me from United? That's fine with me, I wasn't planning to fly United again considering that we JUST CRASHED INTO THE FUCKING OCEAN!!!!.
Now that we're on the ground and we know where to get out… we need to know HOW to get out. Thankfully their pic covers it. One pic tells you that if the exits is blocked by water then don't open the door. HUH? Just two pages ago you told me that water landings were fun and groovy and now I can't open the damn door to enjoy myself? The second pic is hilarious. "If blocked by fire do not exit" Who is this idiot? Who is the idiot who opens the door while flames are burning his face? If the person in front of you opens the door to look out into burning flames, push that person into the flames and close the door!!!
Then there's the last pic…"No Smoking".
Sometimes I wish I was a smoker like I used to be, just so I could piss off some of these Neo-Nazi non-smokers. You don't want people smoking next to you in Applebee's or a Comedy Club fine. But we just crashed into the middle of the ocean, an idiot just opened a door and stuck his head into an open flame, I shit my pants, the plane's not floating, sharks are picking off floating passengers like it's a salad bar and you're going to sit next to me and tell me that 2nd hand smoke is what you're worried about right now??!! FUCK YOU!!!! This plane just crashed, I NEED a cigarette!!!!I don't smoke anymore but if I survived a crash , there's two things I'd be doing a lot more of…praying and marijuana. Personally I think marijuana smoke should be pumped through the oxygen masks to help calm the passengers. Maybe then I'd be open to the idea of the kids getting an oxygen mask. I think I've made my point, airline passengers should get parachutes. Especially since the Gov't aren't able to keep them safe from Al Queda Jihadist Geese.