Tuesday, January 13, 2009


Black women, check this out. You know I love you and I am devoted to you. This is also not to say that your claims of Black male behavior are out of line, but let's think for a second. How responsible is it to presume that the breakdown of black marriages is always the man's fault?

How have you contributed to your man not being in your home anymore? How good are you at picking the right man in the first place? How supportive are you of allowing that man to see his children when he wants to see them? How controlling are you in terms of jacking his parental rights and dictating the terms under which this man can spend time with his own child? Isn't it a bit irresponsible to say that Black men are the cause of all of your problems?

Why not work together with committed brothers to find common ground, as opposed to villifying and further distancing us from one another? While it might be convenient to join the band wagon of Black male extermination, it certainly allows you a convenient alliby for your own broken commitments to personal responsibility. After all, these troubled Black boys are being taught by their mothers.

I am not here to throw down gauntlets of personal responsibility. I am as flawed as the individuals I write about. However, before we start condemning poor Black Americans or Black men, it is important that we remember that we are not as perfect as we might think.


Kristin said...

Hi find you by way of Siditty. Great post! I will be doing a series on love and relationships starting Feb. I would like to link and use your post. If that would be cool.

RiPPa said...

@Kristin: Thanks for stopping bye. Siditty is one of my favorite Bloggers. Feel free to link it; I have no problem with it.

President Anthony Taurus said...

Good post man. Good video find.

I wouldn't even waste my time trying to appeal to some of these women, not just Black women alone. But, the truth is they're angry, bitter, and just mal-adjusted. I am glad to not have any children at all. But, honestly, I am a man who intends to be a father one day. If that should happen, no person, mother included, will keep me from fatherhood nor harm my children with whatever attitudes and problems they may have.

In response to that vid.. I remember watching a news report regarding Black men in the corporate world. They focused on this one guy who's a lawyer. What he said saddened me and pissed me off at the same time. He was tall, about 6' 5", dark skin, and had a deep voice. He admitted to weakening his stature so he wouldn't be so dominant by softening his voice, lowering his head at times, and choosing his words very carefully. I thought that shit was just sad but still necessary in these days and times. It's craziness what Black men have to go through in this country just to survive. And even then at the end of the day, we're all still Mr. Nigger.

cinque said...

Good post!!!! I have this conversation with both of my older sisters all the time and they are as adamant about it being the black mans fault as they are that the sun is hot. It is hard (I am being nice here) for women in general and black women especially to accept any blame in relationships. I have tried to talk about this with black women and instead of focusing on what they could be doing wrong in a relationship, they shift focus to what the black man is/was/still doing wrong. Self examination is something missing in the black relationship community.

Mahoganydymond said...

Well I have a real problem with some of my friends. They think because I don't have kids I don't know how it feels. I just think it is wrong the way they do some of their baby daddies. I don't think it is the black mans fault.. I think it is the whole community most of the time. We all have issues and some of us are just to quick to jump on the next. We need to learn and grow with one another..

Anonymous said...

Very good post Rippa!

Ima say this...
A lot of black men aren't worth a damn, thats the truth, but there are reasons behind them being trifling. Many of them were not raised to even know what a man should do, how he should carry himself etc.

And many women weren't raised around any good men, they didn't have fathers and the men their mothers brought in and out of their lives were bad examples so they carry this behavior on into their adult life.

I am a single mother and I can in no way point the fingers at the father saying well you were the reason, you were the bad one because let's face it, when women who don't know their self worth and don't know how to love their self pick men most times they won't pick a good man. What you get is bad relationships ending in women scorned and placing the blame on men who never knew how to be a man in the first place.

Kit (Keep It Trill) said...

Excellent post, Rippa!

I think the public perception problem of men doing more wrong in MARITAL relationships than women is that women have been more likely to pick up their pens to write about their heartbreaks. If as many men did this as women, we'd see more of "his version". I've been seeing it for years as a therapist doing couples counseling.

On the other hand, when it comes to singles dating, PROPORTIONALLY women get played more than men. This is due to the culture in all races that promotes the idea that men should have lots of ladies while women should have one special guy. We see in commercials and movies, hear in music, on the street.

Monogamy is also less hardwired in the genes of men, which I've written about before, and some folks don't like that idea but it's too pervasive in all culture throughout time to ignore it.

CurvyGurl ♥ said...

Ouch! Tell it like it is, Rippa. It's time for Black America to wake up. We look at and discuss the root cause of so many societal issues, but rarely this issue.

I'm definitely buying a copy of Dr. Leary's book...knowledge is power and she broke that thing down to the nitty gritty.

Thanks for educating us!

Anonymous said...

Definatley something to ponder, on. I go back and forth on this topic. I think what KIT said is an accurate opinion.

The Socialite said...

We all need to take responsibility for out actions and stop attacking each other. We all know why Black people are messed up...now we need to all help each other get out of this situation.

Anonymous said...

It is a shame the way that I see people use their children as tools to hurt one another. One of the things that always impressed me about my father is that no matter what was happening, he never talked badly about my mother to me. NEVER. And Mom's could be a handful.

My mother and my step-mother have both said negative things. My mother has told me negative things about my father and made comments about him that were negative and my step-mother has made negative comments and told me inappropriate stories about my mother. So, when it all comes down to it, I see him as the "injured" party. A lot of the problems we have are with babies having babies and then the adults trying to be a friend and not a parent.

I had enough friends, what I needed was guidance and love. Don't get me wrong, I get along with both of my mothers. I love them both. But, I recognize that they did things wrong. I love them in spite of that.


Aisha said...

"Why not work together with committed brothers to find common ground, as opposed to villifying and further distancing us from one another?"

I think the above quote is the crux of the problem-I simply don't think that Black men are as committed to finding common ground and reaching any type of resolution as Black women are. And why should they be? 70% of Black men are not single. Most Black men are not single fathers raising their out-of-wedlock children on their own.

There are shortcomings on both sides. However, Black women are disproportionately bearing the negative consequences of the Black Man/Woman relationship dynamic. What consequences are Black men suffering that would make them want to change the way they relate to Black women? None, because they know "sistas will always be there."

The "committed brothers" are too few and far between to do any good. Until there is a shift to even up the balance of power, things will remain the same.

jjbrock said...

Rippa that clip is so powerful. How can we as a people not have compassion for one another?

Seattle Slim said...

Well damn! Great post and comments! Working together is key.

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