Sunday, December 21, 2008

BITCH I WANT A BLOOD TEST!!

Hopefully before reading this, you already knew that after Christmas or the New Year, most marriages or relationships dissolve. Yeah, people usually break up after the holidays. People breakup for various reasons of course, but I think in the spirit of "being nice" for the holidays they wait till after gifts are exchanged and the holidays are over.

You might think its pretty selfish, but I call it being clever. I mean, you never know what kind of gift you might get from your girlfriend, boyfriend, husband or wife, if you tell them you're gonna dump them after the ball drops on January 1st. Who knows, you just might get the best present ever, like on those Lexus commercials!! Breaking up after a REALLY nice present has to be hard for some people I'm sure.

Look at the couple in the pic above. Don't they look so cute together with the kid and all? Yeah, they really do, hell its probably the kids first Christmas too. Look at them, cheesing for the camera in bliss as they shop for a Christmas tree....

or so you think....


"JUST PICK A FUCKING TREE MOTHERFUCKER!! WE’VE BEEN OUT HERE FOR 3 HOURS WE COULD’VE GONE TO K-MART AND GOTTEN A FAKE TREE BUT NOOOOOOOO YOU WANT THAT FAKE ASS PINE SMELL IN OUR HOUSE. THE SAME PINE SMELL YOU CAN BUY IN A CAN OF GLADE FOR 1.99. WE’RE OUT HERE PICKING A FUCKING TREE THAT’S GOING TO DIE IN 2 WEEKS AND SHED PINE NEEDLES ALL OVER THE CARPET. THE SAME PINE NEEDLES THAT WILL POKE ME IN THE FOOT UNTIL MID JULY BECAUSE YOU DO SUCH A SHITTY JOB VACUUMING THE CARPET. YOU’VE GOT 5 MINUTES TO PICK A TREE OR I’M LEAVING YOUR ASS OUT HERE MOTHERFUCKER! AND OUR THIRD CHILD DOESN’T LOOK LIKE ME, BITCH I WANT A BLOOD TEST!"


Yup, looks can be deceiving folks. From the outside, the man in that pic looks happy. But in actuality, he's pissed. He's pissed because he's Christmas shopping in the cold instead of watching football. If only she left him alone, at home, watching TV, they'd probably be together next year. The only way to prevent this is to buy your man something really nice, like, an NFL season pass for cable or Direct TV/Satellite, or maybe a stripper pole for the basement. If this guy opened this as a gift on Christmas day, all would be forgiven. Like I said before, its kinda hard to breakup after receiving the best gift ever. Think about it: you never see couples on Judge Judy fighting over a stripper pole now have you? Hopefully by learning something here today, we don't have to read those "I'm lonely because my man left me" blogs after January 1st.

P.S. Last night my wife and I bought, and put up our first "real tree"...big mistake. Yeah, it was her idea.

6 comments:

uglyblackjohn said...

LMBAO!
Does your wife read your blog?



Will you still be married after the first?

blackwomenblowthetrumpet.blogspot.com said...

Hi there,

It was so nice of you to go and get the tree with her!

I remember when I was in college and my man was in college so he didn't have any money and he knew that I loved Christmas trees so he decorated a plant and brought it over to me...and we sang around it...it was so sweet and I was so in looooove.

Sometimes a man has to be willing to just do the little things to make his woman's heart swoon...

And then he can go back to watching football.

(smiles)

Lisa

Anonymous said...

Rippa, this is your wife. Why you lyin' to these to these folks? You dragged me out there in the freezing friggin cold with my hair curlers and in bedroom slippers while our baby was sleeping in the car!

And who was that lady we ran into? Y'all were whispering and her baby looked just like you... I know that's the reason her husband punched your azz out in the snow!

Damn. I'll be thinking 'bout this while you watch football. And where's my luggage anyway?

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Heh-heh... Rippa. Can ya guess who this really is? It ain't your wife and I only know you in cyberspace. You're my fav funny blogger. I'll tell ya in the next comment.

Kit (Keep It Trill) said...

Yeah, Rippa, did you guess right? If not, you shoula figured I left the above prank comment! Merry Christmas to you and your fam!

~ Kit

RiPPa said...

@uglyblackjohn: Yeah, she reads this stuff. If anybody's gonna be breaking up between us she's gonna have to dump me. She knows this. This blog isn't even the worse..LOL!

@Lisa: Love is really good when you're broke ain't it?

@Kit: Woman you had me scurred for a minute there...LMAO!!!

blackgirlinmaine said...

LOL... you had me almost spitting my dinner out over my monitor.

I agree no one ever gets mad about a stripper pole and I suspect if I gave my husband one he would be a happy man.

Good post!

Apture

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