Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Top Ten Reasons Why Your Online Pimp Game is an Epic Failure

So like, I've come to realize that Facebook and Twitter is like the new jumpoff on the internet for so-called grown folks. I remember back in the day when it used to be Yahoo Chat, Black Voices, AOL, Black Planet and all that other now defunct and hardly even relevant online social networking sites. Hell even MySpace was hot for grownups for a minute.

Oh don't front and act like you only have a MySpace page to keep up with your kids on there. You know you got a page in an attempt to be hip anhd current and possibly attract some celebrity booty. Uh huh, that's why you got all them damn celebs on your page that you flirt with. Uh huh, and thats why you got all them damn booty pics of yourself all over your profile. Girl you lookin for a baller I ain't dumb.

Seriously, I feel sorry for the people that think these celebs are actually spending their whole day online responded to all the, "Just showin you page some love," messages. Speaking of love, it seems that some Negroes are too cheap to do the eharmony.com thing, so they troll these social network sites lookin for the hookup. Yup, ain't no booty like some internet booty right? Well, here are some thoughts from fellow blogger, my girl Stillsilkee (pictured above) as my guest on this subject. I hope you enjoy the post, and maybe can share some of your experiences as it relates to encountering lame ass men and woman on the internet. Trust me, I've heard some really funny stories from women in the past.

Ladies & gentlemen, pay attention:

I had the distinct pleasure, honor and privilege over the weekend to come across a few things in the dating universe that completely got my goat... and I thought in light of spreading more laughter, I'd make a composition of my reasons why some of these dudes that are trolling the internet looking for love *coughcough*pussy*coughcough couldn't hit water if they fell off a BOAT. So many, it seems, are missing the mark... so here's a little re-education (and yes, I know this message will not get to the ones who so desperately need it the most but I'm feeling froggy today so FUCK IT)

10. You're more than 50 miles away from me:

Unless you are planning to relocate immediately, if not sooner, to the Greater Baltimore-Washington Metropolitan area, do not expect me to waste more than five minutes flirting with you. I commute 92 a miles a day, seven days most weeks and I am not wasting precious vacation leave and overtime dollars flying across the country for booty-call weekends. NEXT!

9. You don't speak English as a first language (or if you do, you have no command of the written medium):

I don't care how fine you are, how big your dick is, how much money you have or how nice you may SEEM to be. If I can't communicate with you without my Secret Squirrel decoder ring or babelfish.com ... in the immortal words of Hall & Oates... "Don't even think about it..say no go."

8. You have no conversation:

Granted, a polite segue will earn you far more cool points than some lewd bullshit, or some big long cut-and-paste (see #5) ... BUT if EVERYtime you see me online, it's some straight "How r U 2day Ms. Laydee" bullshit, your ass is going to straight to File 13 with the Rejected N*gga Quickness. Surely at some point, you can find something ELSE with which to greet me that I will not find offensive.

7. You are more than 10 years younger than the object of your affection:

Okay.. this isn't ALWAYS a dealbreaker... but check the move... as for ME - I'm almost 38 in real-time. In my head I'm probably a lot closer to 50. I don't give a damn about your X-box marathons with your boys, your sneaker collection and I am NOT coming to your grandmother's house with cake and ice cream to indulge in carnal pleasures with you in your grown and sexy room.

6. You assume that my girth correlates to an equally huge level of desperation:

I try very hard to cultivate my online profiles so that they are an accurate depiction of who I am. That being said, what in the lovely fuck did you read on my page that would make you think that I would accept a date "for lunch and a movie" at nearly 5:00 in the afternoon from a profile with no picture, when in the message you couldn't be bothered to state your name or anything else..... thefuckouttaherewitdatbullshit!

**oh wait... you didn't read it. Don't even tell me you did.**

5. The cut and paste game:

Nothing chafes the inner folds of my ass (credit: Sis. Danja and her girl Ladysol again) like getting some long, fake ass wannabe love note trying to suck me in quoting Khalil Gibran, Anais Nin and spewing some ole bullshit about long walks at sunset and candlelight dinners... I bet the last dinner you ate by candlelight was because your busted ass didn't pay the light bill and BGE shut your shit down like a speakeasy during prohibition. Again.. reading is fundamental. A little investigative research tells you that I don't walk anywhere I don't have to, I'd rather ride my bike most of the time than ride YOU given the choice and I'm not the frilly frou-frou chick that's going to gasp and swoon and catch the vapors and fall into your evil clutches on the basis of what you believe to be the Magic Words. Peddle your papers elsewhere, slick. If you want to talk to me, I need some original writing. I get that the cut and paste game is an easy way to talk to more women at once and up your slim chances of getting laid sometime in 1Q2009, but uhm err aah... women see through that shit like Glad Cling Wrap... *bzzz*

NEXT!

4. You forgot to "stay in your lane" and/or "play your position":

I know that we all aspire to greatness...okay scratch that. I'll speak for myself and say that I aspire to be a better Tracey tomorrow than I am today, in all areas of my life. By that, I mean that I understand that in my present situation, I cannot seek to date a GQ model, with an 800 FICO score, a Ph.D working on his post-doctoral thesis, who owns both domestic and international real-estate. By the same token, my secret identity is not that of Eleanor J. Gotrocks... I am by no means independently wealthy and am not seeking curb-dwellers or other assorted bums and troglodytes to clean up and make into a welfare project. You trying to get with this? Have your shit together to the point where you are at least bringing to the table what I am bringing to the table. Granted i need a tax write off in the worst way but I can't claim your overgrown ass as a dependent. And I would think you would know that if you got the yuck-mouth, the scabies, your belly is hanging down so far that it completely hides your flaccid member or are just generally unkempt in any way that's an automatic GETTHEHELLON!

3. Wackadociously Profane/Highly Sexual Screen Names:

Let's not get it twisted.... Sista Silk enjoys a good, deep digging, chiropractic back-breaking, hot, steamy, sweaty, bring-cold-drinks-before and-put-em-on-the-headboard-for-later hump like any other red-blooded American girl... but showing me your dick before giving me your name, or expecting that I'm going to be pressed to let you go down on me just because you offered (like I'm the only person you whom you offered that service... oral chlamydia much, jerk?) is going to get your face cracked. No, I am NOT in need of a sex slave for training (had a guy ask me that yesterday) , NO am I not interested in having a white woman begging at my ankles to serve me (used to get those on 360), what I need is for y'all weirdos to go to wherever the BDSM folk go online and play amongst yourselves!

2. You found me... trolling through a female friend's friendlist:

**blinkblink**

Information tends to pass between chicks like water through a sieve. Quietest kept... manwhores are a laughingstock. I don't go behind my friends (well... with one or two notable exceptions I've been there) and they don't go behind me. We do this out of something generally called RESPECT for each other and more specifically for our sexual health. ... cause lord knows if you're knocking off chicks who know each other like that, chances are you are indiscriminate AND indiscreet and you don't need a third strike! Boo Hiss and BYE!

(need I even expound on the drama that ensues when said chicks find out they're all boning the same dude, that one that wrote the poetry with the indiscriminate pronouns so all y'all would think he wrote it for you? I thought not.)

AND DONT ACT LIKE YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT, SOMMA Y'ALL DONE FELL FOR THIS OKEY DOKE!)

1. Sure, You Hit It... But It Aint a Revolving Door:

So sad for you, my horny friend... that you didn't recognize the blessing you had whilst it was spread-eagled before you. Maybe it was that you didn't give me the proper respect. Maybe it was just that our timing wasn't right. Maybe *I* finally woke up and realized you weren't worth touching to scratch. Again, with one or two notable exceptions, once I'm done with you, I'll wad you up like a napkin and toss you faster than you can say "I've been thinking about you and wondering when we could get together again." ... and I don't waste time reminiscing about how good it was. Good dick is a dime a dozen and most days it's buy one get one free! I'm sorry.. for someone who does so much talking you didn't say SHIT! All these chicks out here giving it away for free by the pound and you're barking up MY tree... *pfft*

... at least that's MY take on it...

And I'm TI'DE!!!!!

9 comments:

Ed The Sports Fan said...

I bet the last dinner you ate by candlelight was because your busted ass didn't pay the light bill and BGE shut your shit down like a speakeasy during prohibition.

That is f*ckin hilarious. My goodness lol...

-Ed.

Madam Z said...

Stillsilkee is a GODDESS! This is the funniest, smartest post I've read in a LONG time, maybe EVER! I especially liked the line "Ed" quoted above, but there were lots of other ones that were almost as great. Like "...couldn't hit water if you fell off a boat!" Oh, how many guys I've met that fit that description! I could go on and on, but I think I'll just go back and read the whole post again.

I hope you post more of her sage advice.

Cherokee Jones said...

The woman has spoken...and made DAM good points. Lame is lame in person or via typing. LOL

Da_Kween said...

LMAO...I'mma have to sequester Tracey to the side for this shit here: "oral chlamydia much, jerk?"

BWAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

You ain't never lied...yet, in some very sad cases, this shit DOES work. I tell you ONE thing, unless a poem, story, blog, song has my name in that bitch...it ain't about me...no matter WHAT they say.

*copying and pasting and saving in a notepad*

*lmao on the way out*

Untouched Jewel said...

I hope somebody with whack ass game reads this post, because it makes no sense how guys have to use GAME (and I say that with emphasis)to impress a female. NEWSFLASH: Only hoodrats are impressed with game, real women look for substance.

CareyCarey said...

Gawd Damn

OUCH!

Ooouuuuweeee!

Out of the gate, Internet booty doesn't even sound right. I seen fat booty and nice booty but come on.

Look, I know plenty people have tried it but dating off the line is like wearing a sign that says desparate. I realize some men can't catch a cold but you get what you give. If I put out a sign that says P***Y for sale, mf'er gonna come looking with their d**ks hard. What ...er'body ain't looking for love when they go to a Ho house - right, so put the sign down. OR put up a sign that says, nice girl looking for long walks, I am libra ...what's your sign. I wonder what Dear Abby has to say about this. I wonder if she ever gets any "hey baby what's your name, am new around here"

Vincetastic said...

Yo Rippa, this is a tight top ten list. Wackadociously is my new favorite word. You can post this to our site http://www.toptentopten.com/ and then link back to your site. The coolest feature is you can let other people vote on the rankings of your list.

DC DIVA DATING ADVENTURES said...

This is soooooo true! I co-sign & double co-sign....

msladydeborah said...

OMG!

I really enjoyed reading this post.

You made some touche points with this one!

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