Monday, December 21, 2009
A Christmas message from everybody's favorite uncle
For some weaker-willed individuals with less faith in themselves this can be a devastating moment. But not for you, because you're a champion. You possess a strong sense of determination and commitment that not too many others are blessed with. That's the reason we hired you. You also possess the tendency to be quite an incompetent buffoon. That's the reason we fired you.
Anywhichaways, as the chipper for no apparent reason at all type of person you are, I'm sure you realize that the best things in life are free. So obviously you also realize that the mortgage on your home, your car note, your children's college education, and that luxury we humans commonly refer to as food are not amongst the best things. Don't forget, there are alternatives to earning and spending money.
I've heard that one of the most prosperous and rapidly growing industries in today's marketplace is crime. It doesn't require a great deal of start up money or vocational training. At this point, it would also be a good idea to minimize all of your dependents. Get rid of the dog before you end up sharing his bowl of Gravy Train with him. Keep the kids though. At least, they'll come in handy when you're applying for public assistance.
Since the holiday season has arrived, make sure you remind everybody that it's better to give than to receive. That's how I feel while writing this letter. I also want you to remember to never give up. Suicide doesn't solve anything. Allow me to share an anecdote with you. A few paragraphs ago, I ran out of ink. I contemplated delivering the news of your termination face to face. Then I thought about how much I really didn't feel like doing that. So I asked my lovely trophy wife to hand me one of the solid platinum pens, with all the tiny diamonds decorating the cap, that she keeps in her limited edition Dolce and Gabana handbag. She did and, as you can see, my perseverance has enabled me to continue writing this letter up to this point.
I want to reiterate that suicide is not the answer. You've probably decided to collect unemployment. Might as well make the company pay you that last bit of money they owe you since you aren't going to receive any severance pay, right? That line of thinking is not without merit. The worst thing that is certain to happen is that your wife will lose all respect for you. She will then engage in a torrid affair with an old acquaintance or several guys with bigger penis'. After the long, torturous nights spent arguing, she will finally decide to part ways. In the process of leaving she will take possession of the house, the car, the kids and ultimately your pride. That would be an ideal time to kill yourself.
So, in closing, remember that if you ever step foot on company property again you will be immediately arrested. Also don't forget that guns are cheap but peace of mind is priceless. Suicide is the answer...not! Godspeed and Good luck...you're gonna need it. Oh yeah, Health Care Reform is coming soon, so, um, Merry Christmas.
Head of Human Resources/ Director of Dream Destruction,
Happily & well paid Corporate CEO,
P.S. Everybody said that your office secret Santa gift was the best this year.