LAST NIGHT, I BECAME A ROACH

Have you ever walked in on a roach? Its cool, for you to think to yourself, "Hell naww RiPPa, I ain't got no roaches in my house!" Its cool, I understand, roaches are an embarrassment. But fuck your pride, you have walked in on a roach in your house before, so stop being in denial.

OK, back to the point of this blog...

So, do you remember what it was like walking in on a roach? When walking into a dark room, upon the flip of a light switch, the roach always ran when exposed. But do you remember what the roach did when you walked into a well lit room, only to find it on the wall or where ever? I dunno about your roaches, but the roaches I know about, would always freeze. They would stop dead in their tracks and pretend that they were invisible. They do that to throw us off. Its as though, by them not moving we'd ignore them. Yeah, by doing this, we'd forget that they're even there. Sounds stupid doesn't it? Especially considering that you'd always kill the roach, right?

Well last night around 3am, I felt like that roach on the wall. Lemme explain. After an episode of hot passionate sex with my wife, we laid naked in the arms of one another talking about intimate things. Between the talk and me trying to catch my breath, I noticed my soon to be 1yr old pop up her head in her crib to look across the room at us. I wasn't wearing my glasses, so I couldn't see clearly, but I know it was her little head. So what did I do? I became a roach. I tried to freeze like I was that roach on the wall. I even went as far as to tell my wife to be quiet and stay still. For some reason, I thought by doing that she'd go back to sleep, and I'd be able to get some more good loving. The funny thing, is that we were whispering and being quiet the whole time we were engaged. Now I have to wonder if her head popped up while I wasn't looking while we were....umm, well, you get the picture.

I wish I could have had it another way, but having a small child in the room asleep doesn't allow for that, and I'd be damned if I wasn't gonna get some. You might call me a bad parent for having sex with my kid in the room, and I can understand that. But you don't know Ashley like my wife and I know her. You see, my baby girl is whats known as a cock-blocker. You know, that kid who will do everything in its power to prevent their parents from having sex? Yeah, thats her. I'm not kidding, since she's gotten older, having sex has become a secret mission for us. You'd think we work for the C.I.A. as much as we have to sneak and pick our spots. And even in doing so, there have been many a failed mission. I promise you, its like the kid knows what the hell she's doing as a counter operative.

I don't remember my oldest who is now 15yrs old being like that when she was a baby. But this girl? I swear, its like her job; you'd think she was getting a check. Every time we plan our intimate moments...BOOM, she pops up. She'll even go as far as to cry to get into the bed with us. To which I give in being the sucker of a dad that I am. You might think I'm playing, but this kid is like human birth control. For which, I guess I could say that I'm grateful. Lord knows that we can't afford another child right now, and I guess she knows that as well. Hopefully this is something that she'll soon outgrow. But I'm afraid that its probably gonna take some time for that since she's attached to me the way she is. She's daddy's little girl and I love her, but something has to give real soon.

The stupid thing, is that I thought my roach move would hold long enough for her to go back to bed. Well, it didn't work. She spit out her pacifier, and started crying which forced us to get dressed, get her out of her crib and have her get into the bed with us. So much for round two last night. Hell, I'm just glad that I got a chance for round one. Being married, and having kids is cool and all, but this is the type of stuff that they never tell you about. It kinda makes me wonder how in the world do some people have kids back to back like they do. Not that I want kids back to back. Shit, I just wanna be able to practice back to back without the cock-blocker's participation.

YOU CAN JUST CALL ME AL BUNDY