BITCH I WANT A BLOOD TEST!!

Hopefully before reading this, you already knew that after Christmas or the New Year, most marriages or relationships dissolve. Yeah, people usually break up after the holidays. People breakup for various reasons of course, but I think in the spirit of "being nice" for the holidays they wait till after gifts are exchanged and the holidays are over.

You might think its pretty selfish, but I call it being clever. I mean, you never know what kind of gift you might get from your girlfriend, boyfriend, husband or wife, if you tell them you're gonna dump them after the ball drops on January 1st. Who knows, you just might get the best present ever, like on those Lexus commercials!! Breaking up after a REALLY nice present has to be hard for some people I'm sure.

Look at the couple in the pic above. Don't they look so cute together with the kid and all? Yeah, they really do, hell its probably the kids first Christmas too. Look at them, cheesing for the camera in bliss as they shop for a Christmas tree....

or so you think....


"JUST PICK A FUCKING TREE MOTHERFUCKER!! WE’VE BEEN OUT HERE FOR 3 HOURS WE COULD’VE GONE TO K-MART AND GOTTEN A FAKE TREE BUT NOOOOOOOO YOU WANT THAT FAKE ASS PINE SMELL IN OUR HOUSE. THE SAME PINE SMELL YOU CAN BUY IN A CAN OF GLADE FOR 1.99. WE’RE OUT HERE PICKING A FUCKING TREE THAT’S GOING TO DIE IN 2 WEEKS AND SHED PINE NEEDLES ALL OVER THE CARPET. THE SAME PINE NEEDLES THAT WILL POKE ME IN THE FOOT UNTIL MID JULY BECAUSE YOU DO SUCH A SHITTY JOB VACUUMING THE CARPET. YOU’VE GOT 5 MINUTES TO PICK A TREE OR I’M LEAVING YOUR ASS OUT HERE MOTHERFUCKER! AND OUR THIRD CHILD DOESN’T LOOK LIKE ME, BITCH I WANT A BLOOD TEST!"


Yup, looks can be deceiving folks. From the outside, the man in that pic looks happy. But in actuality, he's pissed. He's pissed because he's Christmas shopping in the cold instead of watching football. If only she left him alone, at home, watching TV, they'd probably be together next year. The only way to prevent this is to buy your man something really nice, like, an NFL season pass for cable or Direct TV/Satellite, or maybe a stripper pole for the basement. If this guy opened this as a gift on Christmas day, all would be forgiven. Like I said before, its kinda hard to breakup after receiving the best gift ever. Think about it: you never see couples on Judge Judy fighting over a stripper pole now have you? Hopefully by learning something here today, we don't have to read those "I'm lonely because my man left me" blogs after January 1st.

P.S. Last night my wife and I bought, and put up our first "real tree"...big mistake. Yeah, it was her idea.

LIKE MIKE, IF I COULD BE LIKE.....MIKE?

I was watching an NFL pregame show on FOX recently and I saw Michael Strahan. When I saw the guy, my initial thought was: "Damn this muthafucka got skinny real quick!" Have you seen him lately? He retired from professional football less than a year ago and he has significant weight and muscle tone loss.

I think its amazing how the non-continuance of "certain" activities impact your life. Like, Mark McGuire for example. You remember how that dude was built like brick shit house and had those huge guns? He used to have tree trunks for thighs! Well have you seen him lately? Nowadays he looks like a white dude who who can get knocked the fuck out on the regular at a local pub for being drunk and trying to kiss any an everybody.,

I used to weigh alot less when I used to drink, smoke cigarettes, do drugs, have sex with random fat chicks without condoms after I left the club drunk at 3am. I was unhealthy. And whats jacked up is that I don't do any of that stuff anymore, and now I'm like about 50lbs heavier. So much for trying to be healthy huh. Oh well, its not like I was a multimillion dollar professional athlete anyway.

I said all of that to say this....

What the fuck happened to Mike Tyson ? Look at him. Do you see how fat this guy has gotten? I mean, I know he was a coke head. Hell, I think he still has charges pending for cocaine possession out in Arizona. But look at him. He's obviously not riding the White Horse like he used to. Hell, from the looks of it he's eating horses these days instead of riding them. I swear, dude looks like a fat midget who ate all 75 of Evander Hollyfield's kids.

The messed up part of the fat Mike Tyson to me, has to be that damn tattoo. Having a crazy ass tattoo on your face is cool when you look like a menace. You can be deisel in the hood like he used to be and have a tattoo like that and niggas would give you respect, or be afraid of you. But a fat dude with that shit on his face? I'm sorry fat dude, you scare nobody. You might still be able to knock a few guys out. But err, umm, a dude can smack the shit outta you, run and live to tell about it. Sorry Mike, you're not in shape anymore like you used to be.

Which, ain't a bad thing if you're not boxing anymore. Matter of fact, its a good thing. It shows everybody that inspite of being broke, that you didn't use steriods like the other athletes mentioned in this post. Oh yeah, and the next time you go to court for some not so well thought out act as you're known to do?! Its safe to say that the judge will assume that you're a washed up bum, and not some coke head.

I still love you though Mike. Aside from being the enigmatic individual you are, I love you. And yes, I'd still put my money on you in a Buster Douglas rematch today. If you lose, it wouldn't be as embarrassing as the first time. Hell, both of you fuckers would be fat has beens to the sport anyway. Win, lose or draw, it would still be better watching instead of seeing you wrestle grizzly bears at a circus.

REALLY NIGGA?? YOU'RE A ROLE MODEL??!!

No shit? For real nigga?? You're grown up now? No more ejaculating on the backs of females? I mean, are you serious? Kids look up to you? Ok don't answer that, you had grown folks around the world dancing to your garbage. If the grown ups do it, I'm sure you're right. Yeah, you're right, kids look up to you. So now what? You're now a conscious rapper with wack beats, and nursery school rhymes? Oh you're a five percenter now? Don't tell me you gon' be on that "Peace God" shit??

Listen, I'm not feeling you, and my two teenage daughters are not feeling you. Not only do I as a hip hop head think you suck. My teenage daughters who don't know jack about Kool Herc, Grandmater Flash, Grandmaster Caz, Funky 4 Plus One More etc. think you're garbage. You know why? Because they have a father like me to steer them away from your ignorant talk. Oh yeah, I caught that shout out you gave to our slave masters a few weeks ago. Remember that? Yeah, because of them your Black ass is here in America free to act a fool, and polute the minds of kids. Thank God not my kids.

Like I said, they think you're pretty fuckin stupid, and your music sucks. But seriously, instead of apologizing to the kids who listen to you. You should apologize to your momma. I don't know the lady, but in spite of the new found riches you've come up on. I could only hope that you're an embarrassment to her and the rest of your family. I'm sorry dude. I'm not feeling this forced PR move. You don't sound too genuine. But I gotta give you props...at least you can read a que card pretty well.

Now Youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu....

get that fuck outta here with your bullshit!

Buh bye

CAN JOSEPH GET SOME PROPS?

Through this whole Christmas thing, with Jesus being born in a barn having to smell goat shit n' all, I don't think most people give props where props is due. Here we are in 2008 celebrating the birth of Jesus, and of course all the attention is on him. Ok so yeah, I know he's like "the son of God" and that's kinda a big deal. But just for once, I wished people would give Joseph some props.

I mean think about it...Joseph was a good dude! Either that, or he was pretty lonely and not too cool with the chicks. I mean really?! How many of you women today would date a carpenter? No, I'm not talking about a contractor, I'm talking about a carpenter. There's obviously a big difference between the two, and I doubt that too many women would kick it with "Joe the carpenter".

Hell, you never see a guy on a game show introduce himself as "Joe Blow from anytown U.S.A. and I'm a carpenter." I dunno, maybe it was cool to be a carpenter 2000 years ago? Now that I think about it, maybe Joseph was a baller? I don't know, but I know that given this mortgage crisis of today, with home construction down, Joseph wouldn't have been a safe bet.

But seriously, think about Joseph for a few. Aside from being a carpenter, Joseph kicked it with Mary, and he never had sex with her. See, people forget that Mary was a virgin, and Joseph married a pregnant virgin. Could you imagine being a woman going to your man and saying "I'm pregnant" when you never had sex with him? I mean seriously! Think about how fucked up that would be. I know it would be messed up in today's society, and it had to be fucked up back then as well.

Not much is said about Joseph, but I'm sure when Mary (his girlfriend) told him she was pregnant, under his breath (or in his mind) he called her a bitch. I mean really, what reason would he have to be happy? He never had sex with her! And I'm pretty sure that he wanted to hit it...I mean what dude you know wouldn't wanna have sex with a virgin?!!

Thats why Joseph deserves props! Joseph didn't dump Mary like some guys do. He never said "BITCH I WANT A BLOOD TEST!" He didn't get mad, and beat the shit out of her and call her a whore like some guys would have. Instead, he stepped up to the plate and decided to be the "baby daddy". Yup, even on a carpenter's salary, Joseph said "fuck it, I'm gonna marry this woman."

How many men do you know who would have done that today? Shit, Mary would've been on Maury in today's age. Seriously, she would have been on Maury crying and looking like pretty much all the dumb chicks we see on that show. And the bible never said anything about Joseph's homies. If he had homeboys, I'm sure they knew that he hadn't hit it yet. Trust me, your boys are the first to know when you're kickin it with a virgin. Chances are, Mary was a pretty hot chick and all the dudes wanted to holla, and they were jealous of Joseph.

Yeah, I'm sure he had some hatin ass niggas talk shit about him for wanting to still be with Mary after he found out she was pregnant. I mean, I doubt he ran out and told them a lie and said he did hit it. So yeah, to them he looked like a dummy. But despite his boys, Joseph stuck around. But I guess Jesus being the son of God didn't hurt either. I'm sure Joseph had his doubts about that, but he decided to chill and wait for the kid to perform his first miracle for confirmation. I mean who wouldn't! Shit, if I knew my step son was the son of God, I'd lay low and maybe hope he could hook me up with the winning powerball numbers too. But I damn sure wouldn't tell anybody...I'd hate to look like a sucker!

Shout out to Joseph aka A REAL NIGGA!

YOUR CHRISTMAS BONUS

Dear Wonderful Employee,

You're fired!!!

For some weaker-willed individuals with less faith in themselves this can be a devastating moment. But not for you, because you're a champion. You possess a strong sense of determination and commitment that not too many others are blessed with. That's the reason we hired you. You also possess the tendency to be quite an incompetent bafoon. That's the reason we fired you.

Anywhichaways, as the chipper for no apparent reason at all type of person you are, I'm sure you realize that the best things in life are free. So obviously you also realize that the mortgage on your home, your car note, your children's college education, and that luxury we humans commonly refer to as food are not amongst the best things. Don't forget there are alternatives to earning and spending money.

I've heard that one of the most prosperous and rapidly growing industries in today's marketplace is crime. It doesn't require a great deal of start up money or vocational training. At this point, it would also be a good idea to minimize all of your dependants. Get rid of the dog before you end up sharing his bowl of Gravy Train with him. Keep the kids though. At least, they'll come in handy when you're applying for public assistance.

Since the holiday season has arrived, make sure you remind everybody that it's better to give than to receive. That's how I feel while writing this letter. I also want you to remember to never give up. Suicide doesn't solve anything. Allow me to share an anecdote with you. A few paragraphs ago, I ran out of ink. I contemplated delivering the news of your termination face to face. Then I thought about how much I really didn't feel like doing that. So I asked my lovely trophy wife to hand me one of the solid platinum pens, with all the tiny diamonds decorating the cap, that she keeps in her limited edition Dolce and Gabana handbag. She did and, as you can see, my perseverance has enabled me to continue writing this letter up to this point.

I want to reiterate that suicide is not the answer. You've probably decided to collect unemployment. Might as well make the company pay you that last bit of money they owe you since you aren't going to receive any severance pay, right? That line of thinking is not without merit. The worst thing that is certain to happen is that your wife will lose all respect for you. She will then engage in a torrid affair with an old acquaintance or several guys with bigger penis'. After the long, torturous nights spent arguing, she will finally decide to part ways. In the process of leaving she will take possession of the house, the car, the kids and ultimately your pride. That would be an ideal time to kill yourself.

So, in closing, remember that if you ever step foot on company property again you will be immediately arrested. Also don't forget that guns are cheap but peace of mind is priceless. Suicide is the answer...not! Godspeed and Good luck...you're gonna need it.

Head of Human Resources/ Director of Dream Destruction,

George W. Bush

P.S. Everybody said that your office secret Santa gift was the best this year.

CHRISTIAN PORN?

Nothing cracks me up more than when I see news stories of people finding the Virgin Mary. Ever so often, some chowder head, finds images of The Virgin Mary on a potato chip, a corn flake, in a turd, or in a slice of bread. They often through their lunacy manage to draw enough attention to have some news crew come out to their house to run the story.

I'm not mad at them because if they didn't, well, lord knows how much more sin we'd have in this world. I know being a virgin and giving birth is miraculous and all, but I doubt any of you would believe the chick on Maury who says that she was a virgin mother. Thats one episode that I'd like to see. I gotta admit, it'd be kinda cool seeing 10 dudes all hear "you are not the father" after they admitted that they had sex with the chick who claims she was a pregnant virgin. Oh well, so much for that ever happening.

The latest virgin Mary sighting happens to be on the cover of Playboy. Yup, thats the cover above. It would seem that there is some controversy over this model being depicted as The Virgin Mary. This illustration was published on the Mexican version of Playboy magazine, and people are losing their minds. I could understand that happening because the country of Mexico is largely catholic. No wonder people are against Mexican immigrants coming to America.

Now when I first saw this, I never drew the Virgin Mary connection. I just thought it was just some hot chick, and never gave any thought as to what she was wearing. Truth be told, I just thought it was some middle eastern porn version of Playboy. I'm serious! Do you think people in the middle east or the holy land don't jerk off or more appropriately, masturbate?

I don't know about you, but I don't see this as a big deal. Hell the publishers of the magazine even said that it wasn't their intent to carry a virgin Mary depiction. But its to be expected, people gave Kanye West a hard time when he did the now infamous Jesus Christ crucifixion pic even after he said it was a work of art. This is what I call art, and as you know, art can be interpreted many different ways. Having said that, I think people need to chill the fuck out. Hell, even it it was an intentional depiction of Mary, you gotta be happy in knowing that those horny readers upon seeing it would give their lives to Christ, especially for God creating such a fine specimen.

I can only wonder if this was released in America if it would be a big deal. The combination of catholics and religious right wingers bitching would be a deadly assault. Shit, I just wanna know why they don't pitch a bitch whenever Mary is found on a potato chip. Maybe I'm wrong, but I think this is just another example of the protection of the sanctity of the White woman. If this were on the cover of Black Tail Magazine, I doubt anyone would care.



QUESTION: Could you watch Christian porn? Wouldn't it be cool to watch a porno flick where in the end there was a religious message and maybe the chick who just fucked like 6 dudes and got saved? Isn't it the message that's important?

DUCK BITCH!!

Just when you thought his approval ratings couldn't get any lower. George Bush has once again defied convention. As a matter of fact, today as I type this, his approval ratings are so low, that they've fell to shoe level. He has taken Lame Duckness to an all time low.

I don't know if you guys have seen, read or even heard. But the other day in a surprise visit to Baghdad, an irate Iraqi reporter threw some size 10 Stacy Adams at our beloved commander in chief. I guess thats what you get for a surprise visit. Maybe next time he would call ahead.

But hey, when you've thrown an entire country into turmoil, through military destruction, and lost of lives, all on a LIE, I don't think you can announce your visit ahead of time. He better be lucky he got a shoe tossed at his ass instead of an IED strategically placed at the podium. That would have been ugly. As much as I dislike this man, I'm happy to see a shoe tossed instead of a bomb or something like that.

My only wish was that the shoe thrower to be more accurate. Yup, I wish he had hit him in the face, but instead he missed. Though he intended to hit him, he was off target. I guess that's what you get for not throwing something heavy like steel toe boots or maybe some army issued Timberlands.

The thing that struck me as I watched the clip of this episode over and over as I rolled with fits of laughter, is that there was no secret service. Remember when Reagan got shot? There were like 400 secret servicemen around him at the time. Hell, one of them even took a bullet for the man. But George Bush? Depending on how you're looking at it, no such luck.

To me, it would seem that there would have been at least one brave white secret service dude (I'm sorry, but the brothas aren't that loyal) who would have dove in front of the shoe. If not that, he would have at least scooped up the president and whisked him away to safety. But yet, none of that happened. Instead, our Idiot In Chief was allowed to continue speaking. He even took this embarrassment and turned it into a comedy routine. I really would have liked to see what he would have had to say if that pissed off Iraqi decided to bare his ass and "moon" him on national TV.

Memo to the secret service: Umm, failure to do your job under the presidency of Barack Obama the likes of this shoe incident could possibly lead to loss of employment.

Its been reported that the Iraqi shoe assassin, had been recently arrested and tortured. See how that torture shit can come back to haunt you Mr. Bush? I'm also pretty sure that he wasn't too happy that his relatives had been killed as a result of the occupation either. For that, I guess our president can say that the surge worked. If it didn't, lord knows it wouldn't have been a shoe thrown. It could have been worse.

It may have been a rock. Those Iraqi's are known to be the shit when it comes to throwing rocks at tanks. I'm pretty sure as experienced as they are with the ethnic infighting, they wouldn't have missed. However, I'm glad that it was a shoe, and that Bush is alive today so that I can laugh at his ass. Its better to laugh at him after all of this instead of the country being thrust into mourning. Having to hear people talk about how GREAT he was would make me puke.

I gotta give him credit though, he has some quick reflexes. Did you see how fast he ducked, and avoided being hit? I could be wrong, but I think he picked up that "Matrix" move and added it to his repertoire after Hurricane Katrina, just in case one of those angry Negroes got brave. I don't know, but I know somebody needs to nominate that Iraqi reporter as Time Magazine Man of The Year. Just like my fat ass, I can't help but to think that somewhere in hell, there's a guy with a thick mustache, dressed in military style gear who is laughing his ass off right now.

QUESTION: IS OBAMA BLACK LIKE YOU?

Umm, I need you to do me a favor. Don't worry, I'm not gonna ask you for money or anything like that. What I am asking is real simple. I'd like you to read the following post. Its a post from a person in my blogroll in the blogosphere outside of this social network. I'd like you to read it and leave me a comment telling me how you feel about what he said. This is a blog written by another Black man who in my opinion (inspite of what I think of this blog entry) is pretty sharp.

In the last 6mths, I've come to know some pretty intelligent bloggers with different views. Some of them I can identify with, and some of them miss the mark from time to time. Lets be honest, we'll never always agree, and we're not supposed to. In my book, if we all agreed as bloggers we'd never learn anything from each other. Its just sad that some bloggers are sensitive, and take offense to the posting of opposing opinions on what they write. But as you know, I love a good debate. So having said that, read this following blog post and tell me what you think. All sections that are bold were done by me, and not the author. These are the just some of the things I take issue with....

AIN'T BLACK LIKE ME!

By: FreeMan Press

I waited and I told you I would wait before I commented on Barack Obama. I knew if I came out right after the election you wouldn’t be so open minded you would probably think I was shitting on him. So since we are about a month into the president elects pre-presidency maybe just maybe you can look at things differently. I still know some of you are celebrating another BLACK FIRST and as you get ready to go to the Inauguration so you can cry with your folk and say I was there, let me pull your ear to this…….

Barack ain’t Black Like Me! Barack is the son of a African Father and White Mother. He doesn’t share slavery with me, he doesn’t share civil rights with me, he doesn’t share his family migrating from the south with me, he doesn’t share the family structure like me, he doesn’t share the history of anger and frustration with me, he doesn’t even have the same blood from my ancestors in his veins. Just because he happens to have my color I guess I’m supposed to jump in the air like the masses have finally accepted my race. I know I’m pissing some of you off but keep reading! How many Blacks do you know who grew up in Kansas? How many blacks do you know who have been raised only by whites?

I look at Obama from my own experiences of people who are mixed race and don’t know where they fit in. Like usual Black Folks accept our own without conditions and in this case I believe Barack noticed that and felt comfortable. If you see Barack during his younger days you notice he had a Afro, played Bball and from reading his book seemed to feel he was of two worlds. I’m confident until he met other Black people everyone wondered what the hell his name meant, but most Blacks we know someone with a Arabic name or a African name so we probably let it go. He has white parents so I’m sure he cannot go as far as most Blacks go with the white people issue and really nor should he that’s really not his fight.

Barack is the son of a immigrant African and a White Woman from Kansas. He is truly African-American and not to be confused with the way our people like to confuse themselves with these dumb ass titles. We have to understand that just because someone has the same color as us doesn’t mean he truly understands us. If you ever look at most Fiji, Panamanian, and even Ghanian people they are within our Black color hue range. Now our brain lets us know these people might not share in our history but when this fact is brought up about Barack it’s seen as not worth talking about.

The only redeeming value I see in Barack is that his color didn’t let him blend in. I think his wanting to belong led him to the Black Church with Jeremiah Wright. First I’m sure he felt accepted and second I’m sure through his interactions he got the history that was never told to him his whole life. Then since he married Michelle he had to truly take on and understand her families point of view on the world. Also, since he has kids and those kids are considered to be African American. Finally, I believe Barack Obama chose to be associated with Blacks as this is the area he chose to work and we are the race he chose to marry into. I know you have met other people who don’t see themselves as Black and have done a lot to keep themseleves separate.

Solution: I bring all this up to say we as Blacks shouldn’t expect Barack to see the world the way we see, experience and live. Most of your life is shaped between the ages of 5-18 and if you look at Barack it has no similarity to mine or most African Americans who were brought here by slavery. He is pretty much adopted African-American and the most I believe we can hope for is that he has been on the bad side of racism but I wouldn’t be surprised if he doesn’t really get it because he doesn’t share our history. So on January 20th when all of you start crying and boo hooing and making a holiday out of the swearing in of someone who happens to look like me remember he ain’t Black Like Me!

Now before you guys start making a issue out of him being bi-racial that’s not what I am saying here at all. Most if not all Blacks from Slavery are mixed race too as it is in my family. So please don’t tell me Tiger Woods is the same because he is not his father was a Black Vietnam War Vet and you can tell Tiger has a true understanding from first hand knowledge. Also, just because you are raised by white parents doesn’t make you lesser of a Black person as I know people first hand whose white parents really tried to make sure their black kid knew they were black. This is really about someone who doesn’t even share not one blood of our history being idolized as if he is one of us.

===================================================================

Now, I think those of you who know me, can pretty much run it back to me what I think of this post. Am I right? Yup, you guys know that I do not agree with what this guy had to say on this. And you people probably already know that I have, and plan to continue holding Obama accountable as a politician. Because him and I share the same skin color, I do not plan on giving him a pass. I'm sure that if you've been reading my blogs you know that by now.

I'm also sure that you're aware of my passion for racial issues, topics or discussions. Having said that: am I wrong to challenge this man's opinion? Am I wrong (based on what he presented) to say that this guy is full of shit? If you click the link provided or embeded in the title of his blog, you can see my response. Matter of fact, you can see the intellectual asswhoopin I put on his ass. Damn I love me. But seriously, I wanted to post this to see what you guys think.

Personally, I'm not into the defending of Barack Obama business, but somehow I can't help but to check people on the ignorant shit they say about him, or the stuff they say on the discussion of race, and race relations. And just because you're Black doesn't make you an authority on the reality of race, racism, or race relations. Trust me, I've read some of the most ignorant stuff about race from Blacks as I have Whites. And me being me, I spare no moment or opportunity to attempt to set shit straight.

The author of this blog and myself have been going back and forth on this for a few days now. The funny thing about our exchange, is that he responded to me thinking I was a White man! He felt that by him being Black and me being White, that I was wrong or was unable to understand racism or the Black experience. I thought that was interesting. Maybe I'm wrong, but unlike him, and many other Blacks I've encountered, I do believe Whites understand racism. They may not experience it as a minority would, but they damn sure understand it or else they wouldn't dish it out. Am I wrong? For my own sanity, I'd like to know what you think. Matter of fact, if you don't mind, I'd appreciate it if you click the provided link and leave a comment or share your thoughts over there as you would here. Is Barack Obama a different type of Black person? How does an African American not share the same bloodline of anyone directly from the African continent?

link: AIN'T BLACK LIKE ME!

DAMN DUDE, DO YOU LOVE WHITE PEOPLE THAT MUCH?

With the year drawing to a close, and as we tend to reflect and look back on the year. I think in doing so, its only right for me to present the "House Negro Of The Year" award. Considering that there are a few days left to the year, its only appropriate that I announce this years recipient right now. I seriously doubt that any Black person can out do this guy even with a few weeks to go in 2008.

Now, in light of the decision last week for Clarence Thomas to call for a meeting to discuss Obama's citizenship, and subsequent eligibility for the highest office in the land. I'm sure some of you may see him fit for this years award. Oh yeah, in case you didn't know or forgot, Clarence Thomas is Black; don't let his Uncle Tom-ish ways fool you into thinking differently. However, Clarence Thomas is currently the holder of the Lifetime Achievement Award in my book. And thus, makes him ineligible for any future awards. Lets be honest, he's in the "House Negro Hall Of Fame".

This years recipient is none other than Rev. Jesse Lee Peterson. If you don't know him, he can be found on pretty much any Fox News program playing the part of the "Slave Catcher". From the first time I heard him speak over a year ago, this guy amazed me. Oh yeah, he's pretty damn good. He said that White people posses a false sense of White guilt. He even went as far as to say that the leaders of the Civil Rights Movement were/are racist. And that White people are falsely accused of being racist. As a matter of fact, he was so good at playing his position I gave him the award last year for saying that Blacks were more racist than whites, and we Black people should stop it. Huh? Yeah, just on that, he got the award. But this year, he outdid himself.

Check it out...

Seriously, you have to watch this...

Now, this year was kind of a tough to call. There have been many instances of Negroes showing out which would make them worthy of this much prestigious award. That dude James T. Harris comes to mind. You guys remember him? Yeah, the guy who begged John McCain to take to Obama in his debate? Yeah, I wrote about him a few months ago, and yes he made me ashamed to be a Black man. But thanking White people for slavery, and saying that it was God's way of helping Black people...

and you're a preacher...??

You are definitely "House Negro Of The Year" material.

Matter of fact, this man has raised the bar. I seriously doubt there is anything anyone Black can say to top that as obvious self hate. Soulja Boy the rapper said something similar, but hey, he's a young man, and a pretty dumb one at that. Thats the shit I would expect from him. After all, he had idiots singing along to his garbage and Super Soaking Hoes nationwide. So yeah, thankfully to our slave masters, we are able to have Bling and Spinners on our cars. Hell, I'd take a beating or having my foot cut off like Kunta Kinte just to have that Bling son!

I promise you, sometimes, I wish we could have a race trade kinda like they do in professional sports. If I had it my way, I'd trade Jesse Lee Peterson just so we could get O.J. Simpson back. Sure O.J. probably killed a White woman and got away with it, but at least he wasn't running around saying stupid shit like this guy. I mean all he did after he got off the first time was screw White women and play golf. Nothing wrong with that. Most successful Black men do that shit everyday; we're used to that by now.

Hell, I'd even take Michael Richards for Jesse Lee Peterson. Never mind his now infamous racist meltdown on stage, at least we know where he stands, and we can claim him as just another ignorant White dude, or somebody for us to beatup and punch in the face once a week. At least he's a comedian, but umm, having Jesse Lee Peterson as a part of my race just isn't cool anymore. Just when we're proud to have a Black President for the first time in American History, we have clowns like him to be accomplices to the system of White Supremacy.

I love White people...

God know I do...

But not as much as this Negro....

QUESTION: If we could have a race trade, who would you offer up for whom, and why? Sorry White people, but Black athletes are not up for grabs. You guys already own them.

KEEP YA HEAD UP SON

The other day I was talking to my dude up in Indiana. I found out that a good friend of mine is doing a bid (that means prison time for you ebonically challenged folks) for trafficking. Yeah that means drugs dumbass. Without putting all his business out there, he basically was driving his vehicle inappropriately, out of state and was pulled over.

In the car with him was a whole lot of "shit" he was transporting back to Indiana. Sad thing is dude had just graduated from college finally after years of sacrifice. Tragic? Yes. But if *prison is a place to reflect on your mistakes, not plot how to make new ones...maybe there's a good ending in store for him. I’ve never been to prison but if it’s anything like the week I was in jail back in 2001 for driving on a suspended license, then I’m sure he’s uncomfortable.

Yeah, going to jail on Christmas night that year was definitely not in my plans. Surprisingly, the cell I was in had two people and a box filled with Christmas care packages. I thought it was cool that some organization looked out for the people on lock down around Christmas time. I was especially happy that the three of us in that cell/pod was able to eat up all the goodies before the cell was filled to capacity the next morning. I guess the police was busy that night as they are each holiday season.

Much like the hospital, jail is a lonely place where those on the outside forget about you. It’s got to be nice to get a card or something thoughtful from someone on the outside, to help keep your spirits up. The problem is that I’ve walked through Hallmark a few times and there’s no…
”I Heard you got locked up card.”

I thought about sending him some money. But Its not like there are any weekend bus trips to the local mall. I can’t send him CD’s of some of the hottest shit on the streets because prisoners can break the CD’s and use the sharp edges as knives. My dude suggested that I put the CD’s on cassette. I’m guessing I’ll have to do that but I’m pretty sure you can mold plastic into a weapon too. He's big into music so that's a thought.

Oh well, he’s in prison for a while so I guess I have some time to think about it. Hopefully by the time he gets out I'll be rich and I can give him a job. He damn sure won’t be my limo driver. Maybe I should send him some Rough Rider condoms...

*There are an estimated 905,600 African-American inmates in prisons and state and local jails. In several states, incarceration rates for blacks were more than 10 times the rate of whites.